Character the Cornerstone of Change

It is always easy to say that the love we seek is doomed due to political, historical and other external "legacies". What is more difficult is the part that requires each person to adopt a personal stance of excellence. I know that there are not many who keep up with this blog. Perhaps because it is not crass, and blatantly sexual or perhaps because I just don't have that kind of juice. In any case, I do understand that it is a necessary service that I provide, simply because some one has to say, "Hey, there is a better way for us to do this and this is not what we come from."

I believe in love. I know that it is real. I do not believe that it is elusive. I believe that there are degrees and depending on what we are willing to do, we can have exactly what we want. The solution here, is also the challenge. I am not willing to negate all of the self-work I have done to be at the whim of another. I'm just not. I realize that I am probably not in style for a lot of men. A chick who thinks too much, is too opinionated and is just a gosh darn pain in the ass at times. It's true. I plead guilty to all charges. What I am however, is

a woman who understands power and wants to be able to share in the experience of self-actualization with another powerful being who wants to share in the experience of self-actualization.

In my growing up, I rarely took character into consideration when I made decisions.  I moved primarily on instincts and I usually fell victim to the holes in the yard that I failed to look down and acknowledge, much less see.  Since I have become a woman, I realize more and more that there is a reason for patience and there is a reason for process and if I want to be wise, I will pay attention to both of them and appreciate their presence in my life.  It has been three months since my birthday and the last 90 days has brought me incredible amounts of clarity.

On Friday, I sat down and took stock of myself.  I thought about the previous 90 days and thought about how I have been vibrating.  I have not been repeating patterns and I have been watching my own responses to situations and people.  I have been watching Energy. That which I send out, that which I receive, that which I attract.  In my watch, I have noticed I have a terrific tendency to move about in the world with a pleasantry and optimism that comes across to some people as gullible.  It is not until they sit down and speak with me, or until there has been a misunderstanding that people get clear that I am not gullible and that I require balance and equality in my interactions.  I have made a staunch declaration.   My focus certainly has been on Character and improving my own, as well as evaluating the level of character demonstrated by the people around me, but also on the kind of interactions I want, rather than the ones that I have had.  One of the strongest virtues is Forgiveness and this because being angry and resentful build a prison that can be difficult to get out of.  I am working on forgiving myself for the misdoings against my own best interest, committing (knowing or unknowingly) wrongs against others, and forgiving those who have wronged me.  Having this level of understanding will assist me in healing the fissures and cracks I have learned to crawl and find comfort in.  Having this level of understanding also gives me a say in how I move and what motivates me. It also allows me to introduce this me to people who have "been around" and it allows me to exercise the new muscles I've developed and determine how best to sculpt them to accentuate their power. It is Beautiful, a joy and a privilege. 

Blasted Literacy, lol

I'm guessing that the ability to express myself via internet is an unattractive quality.  I have expressed the fact that I was going to be actively dating and deciding what I was and was not interested in.  Since March, I have gone on a few dates and I have found that there are certain things that I just am not interested in.

In May, I began classes.  I have been moving. Not sleeping the night through, student teaching, studying, writing, managing my home and my children and...I have met a few people, been approached by a few men. I always allow myself to meet new people.   We exchange pleasantries, and information, I talk about who I am and what I do.  Inevitably, I give out one of my cards.  As of late, I noticed that I was not quite feeling the love from passer-by.  I decided to check my blog, particularly since I have not been actively pushing SxLvTlk.  I read my last posts and said, "Viola!"

There may lie the culprit.  If this is true, I am saddened, slightly.  If I was not in pursuit of making my life the joy it was supposed to be, I would dance and back track.  Since I am committed to my happiness, willing to fight through the many layers that make up the person I am, the layers of my cake (no pun intended), I am not going to do that.  I will take the fact that those potential suitors who are put off by my "blogging" have the right to deselect me as an option because I am evaluating, and yes, the details of my "no" may very well be published.  I can guarantee, with absolute certainty that I will never publicly out anyone nor will I provide any graphics or explicit details of any private/intimate interactions I have.  As I wish to be respected, I respect others.  Saddened if indeed, there be no brave strong enough to withstand the sieve of evaluation and process. However, that is also good because I have information. And in the words of School House Rock, Knowledge is Power.

Like Men

Us women should really be more like men. They take what they have and generally deal with it. They do not go to the lengths women go through to be attractive and capture someone else's attention. Ok, some men do, but that isn't the majority. If women could find it in themselves to be that confident and self-sufficient, it would be amazing.

accepting the package gift given me by parents

caramel complexion some say buttercreme small breasts

tiny waist wide hips wonderfully cradling new life

almond shaped eyes and full lips

me mommy of three

Don't Emote, Evaluate

I have decided that I will actively participate in my dating life. For the past two or three years, I have been on "pause." Not trying to meet anyone new, just kind of recycling associates. I felt that I had met more than enough people already and had a nice stack to select from. Particularly all of the people who weren't necessarily nice to me early on who happened across my path in later years with a mouth full of apology. While the temporary comfort offered some respite from the decidedly trying nature of the past 18-24 months, there was little to propel any forward motion. I was fine with that until I realized that I was treading water and being a punk. Always I tell others, to explore and not be afraid to fall. In the fall there is learning, and in the fall there is always a better view of what one is striving for.

If this advice was good for others, why wasn't it good for me? Of course it was. With that, I decided to make myself available to this wonderful world of dating. I have become adept at being successfully single. I was asked to go on a date and I said, "Yes." We met in a public place and went to dinner. The evening was nice enough, we said our "good nights" and were off to our respective homes. Cool...or so I thought.

The next night I received a phone call from the gentleman during which he did not hesitate to tell me what he felt was good for me and where he felt I should and should not go. I explained the nature of what I do, SxLvTlk and how I would sometimes be among unsavory elements. He went on to respond, quite heartily, "Well if that's what you want to do...God Bless You!" I looked quizzically at the phone and wondered, "What is going on here?" He then said, "I have to go." I said, "Good Night." and hung up the telephone. Shortly after, I was flooded with texts. The texts spoke of his being overwhelmed and physically, emotionally and spiritually available to me. The next morning I received a text that said, "If you don't like me, it's fine, you won't be the first." I looked at the phone and simply shook my head. The slave me would have said, "Why is he acting like that? What did I do to upset him? Oh man, I messed up again!" The anxiety of "being alone" and "unwanted" would have driven me to attempt to contort myself into what I thought HE might have responded better to. Instead, I took stock. I thought about the evening,

and the interaction overall.

What was good? The fact that we conversed well and laughed easily. There was a moderate bit of attraction and he held a strong sense of service and masculine was to be delivered to me.

What didn't go well? The fact that while he enjoyed the meeting, he made a minor incident the place from which he chose to get the majority of his information about me from. Another thing that did not go well was his inability to maintain a sense of composure and equilibrium.

Was a second date necessary? No, due to the fact that his behavior is erratic, after one outing, and it is clear that he is uncomfortable with the person I am making myself into, I am quite satisfied that the effort required to acquire some level of balance is too much.

Verdict: Deselected. No sense of guilt, shame or regret.

I went on a date on Friday night. This date was with a childhood acquaintance. I had always found him attractive and found that time had not diminished his good looks. I also remembered that I found him a bit immature. He had a history of dating significantly younger women and I always took this to be evidence that he was immature, or controlling or perhaps a combination of both. We agreed on where to meet and started the evening from there. The evening took its course, which was simple and courteous enough. We bid each other adieu and went our separate ways saying we would maintain contact. I sent him a text and some additional information meant to bring him up to speed on where I was at this point in my life. He had also requested I send him a picture (g-rated) which I did via e-mail as his phone did not have the memory required to receive it. I sent him texts equal to the ones he had sent me and went about my day. The next morning I received a text that said he felt pressured and wanted to build a friendship. Initially, I was offended. I couldn't understand where he was coming from. Then I calmed down, and decided to debrief.

What was good? I felt comfortable. We laughed, the communication between us in person was much, much better than our communication via telephone and text. Our lifestyles were very similar, we seemed to want similar experiences out of life, and we were both interested in monogamy.

What was bad? He was late, not interested in service since we had known each other since childhood, asked for inappropriate information, seemed put off by my refusal to accommodate his inappropriate behavior and the bewildered expression he held when i informed him about what I was doing with my life and time these days.

Is a second date necessary? No, but I find him beautiful. Save that, he would not get another chance and would be allowed to escape into the ethers due to his immaturity, lack of service and poor display of self-restraint.

Verdict: Deselected. However there is a slight reprieve available if he decides to humble himself and become receptive to learning.

Had I been emoting, rather than evaluating, I would be finessing these gentlemen and making excuses for the things about them that I did not find suitable. The purpose of dating is to be able to get a sense of what is available and stronger conviction in regard to what we do and do not want. Rather than become defeated by what is not, I am taking strength and power from what is. To Knowing my Grey and using my Gifts....Extraordinary...as are WE. Blessings.

Bad Habits Die Hard

SxLvTlk's theme this year is, Broken Men and Slave Women. The calendar has been created and I have found monthly themes to explore. It is strange. When SxLvTlk was a bit more free flowing, it seemed as though I had the ability to kind of freestyle and keep my conversations and comments incredibly vague. Now, because the work is more targeted, I am always compelled to be the embodiment of what I profess. This is invigorating, but it is also challenging. I have put myself under a microscope. I have been under one anyway, however, this acknowledgement of its existence lends itself to another dimension of self-discovery and exposure.

Our first session was, "There are No Absolutes: Know Your Grey". This session served as an introduction to SxLvTlk for those who were unfamiliar about the formation of this forum, and for those who were perhaps unfamiliar with our philosophy. I have literally spent the last year creating some stability for myself in the area of Like, Relationship and Sensual Fulfillment. It was not easy, but I have come up with the proper mix of Blacks (which Propel), Whites (which Protect) and created the array of Greys which Please, me.

During the last year, my heart and mind have run the gamut of emotion and reorganization. Since starting SxLvTlk, I have taken a somewhat objective, technical approach to the Art of Connection. I had a very matter-of-fact approach that did not take a lot of things into account or consideration. Spirit-Flesh connections were very easy for me to establish and bring to light, however, I had never considered the role nuance plays in all of this. Nuance, the flair, the small distinctions that shape the peculiarities that make us different from one another are the game changers. Take two men- both tall, both fit, both handsome, what tips the scales? For the person who must choose one of these men, it could be something small like a twinkle in an eye or the way a nose crinkles, or the way certain vowels are pronounced. These details are often not even taken into account by their owners, however, these are the things that provide fuel for exploration and consideration much more so than sensibility. Yes, it took me the entire year to define for myself, what I did and did not want, what I responded to, and what complimented and enhanced the Gift that I am on this earth. It has not been easy in the slightest and has been cause for many fitful sleeps, but I am a much more competent host and discussion facilitator.

I have learned that I am not as free thinking and open when it comes to my own life as I am when others are explaining their concepts, wishes and desires. For me, simple is pretty complex. I am motivated much more by my own hopes, dreams and desires than I am the opinions of others. The man that chooses to be with me will indeed have to be very secure about who he is to me due to the fact I am always in the company of men who find me attractive and wonder if they will be able to experience some of the "non-judgement" I put forth as a non-negotiable for SxLvTlk. I am much more private than I thought I was, and I am much more focused on developing long term sustainable connection and partnership than I am satisfying any fantastical wiles. I've also learned that love takes many forms and that there is more than just one way to express love, regardless of what society-at-large says. The truth is as a whole, most of us are capable of doing more than one thing at a time, however, most of us lack the fortitude to be committed to those choices, and are simply too lazy to share this truth with those whom we feel would disapprove and or not understand. The truth for me, is I am successfully single and seeking to become More...however that decides to reveal itself as long as it, concurs with my shade of Grey. Welcome to Spring! Grow.

men are a necessity...so are moms

"I need to be able to love the worst parts of you. One day, I am going to meet that person and if I am really going to love, I have to love a whole person, not just the parts I like." I listened to my big brother. Really listened. He gave me a big backdrop for which to stand in front of. I told him I had succumbed to becoming a woman. Told him how I had to humble to the man whose energy felt right to me and could no longer maintain my disaffected stance. He smiled and said, "What is the problem, Beautiful?" I hesitated. I am the mother of a 19 year old. Should I really tell him what the problem is? Well, if I was going to receive the counsel I needed, I had to come clean. I paused a bit longer then said, "Mommy doesn't like him, at all." I waited.
"What happened?" I gave him a brief history. He said, "Well, Mom doesn't like him as a choice because she understands you have options and doesn't want you to make a decision based on energy and emotion. She is right to pull your coat." We talked a bit more and when he realized I was making this decision from a rational place, not one of fear, whimsy or desperation he smiled, then took me for doughnuts. I love my brother.

My life has always worked that way. It is moreso now because I am developing the ability to be firm and to disregard what other people say, and even more than that, I am less concerned with what they think. I have come to the place where I accept myself and in accepting myself, I accept what i like and what matters to me. This, I feel is a testament to true strength. After being doughnut filled and brother love sated, I went home. I spoke to my mom. She, in her usual way said, "What have you been doing that you've got no business?" I laughed and ran down what I had been up to. I mentioned my Beloved. She fell silent then said, "Why him? I really hope you are not making a decision out of desperation and loneliness." I told her what part of the agreement was. She did not yield. "I don't understand. What do you like about him?" We spoke a bit more and finally, finally she said, "Alright." I inwardly smiled. She was the person whose opinion mattered to me more than any other Goddess I served. My constant support, my confidant, my Creator, my friend. I gave thanks that I followed the prompts of my spirit and spoke with my big brother first. The clarity he helped me find inside of myself allowed me to speak with Mommy truthfully, clearly, sincerely and unafraid. That was the blessing I sought more than any other, The Blessing of my Own Head. I had it.

Being raised by strong women can be challenging. Women who morph into Gods before your very eyes as a child send very strong messages regarding who you are supposed to become and how you are supposed to behave. One of the messages I always received was, "You don't let a man run you, and you certainly don't let him run you into the ground." This advice is sound. The qualifiers and how they are interpreted are what present the problems. To a little girl this looked to me like a bunch of women who treated men really mean. I always thought, "I guess he doesn't want to be home. Listen to how mean she is." I didn't know that there were more than many reasons for the meanness I was able to readily identify. A teenage girl interpreted this as bitter grown women who had let their hearts harden. The young woman decided to be ultra compliant in order to be worthy of loyalty, never requiring much else but presence. Service became the hallmark and objective of the established Lady who understood her beauty, brilliance and uniqueness. The True and Living Goddess however, realized that Worship, Offerings, Grace and Providence were the variables that could be placed in a variety of formulae (tee hee) that would equal X, Y or Z. While I was very clear about personal power and how to use it, I was still unclear about how to proceed in the face of challenge and disagreement.

The love I share with my mother requires that our thread be able to stretch but never break. The love I share with my man requires the same. Even though the loves are very different in their expression, they emanate from the same void space that yearns to be stirred to life. I had always felt that I was being disloyal to my mother if I found a man who was a man. This was probably why I most often chose to love men who could never equal the view I had of my mother and therefore never had any significant influence over me. In small ways I gave myself to them always keeping in mind the tendency of men not to...(fill in the blank). In this way I was able to excuse myself the responsibility of being vulnerable and of being submissive. I realize what grown ups and elders who witnessed Lasting Black Love know, it is a softening of the heart AND a strengthening of resolve that allows us to choose a person each day in spite of and in addition to whatever that day brings. I am thankful. I love my Brother- a man, I love my Man, and I love my Mother. Blessings.

Many Faces...One Essence

And when she came into the room
it was clear Anger and bitter were
very much companions she had come
to cherish

Judgment was her name though she
too afraid to live clung to all the
past hurts and traumas Claiming them
to be the reason she was thoroughly
inappropriate in the
NOW

Anxiety in the chest of all around her
until they realized they were in the
presence of one who truly did not
trust herself or the God she claimed
to serve to direct her life
Much easier to pretend and be lovely
in visage as opposed to being love
as its Very Self

If I ever chose to truly give back the "nasty" that people have decided to serve, I do think they would think i had flipped my corker. I watch the latitude people take in expressing their opinions and I watch the folly of their own existences. In one breath it is said, "I would like to see you..." in the next breath there is always an inherent heaviness in the air that prevents anything substantial from occurring. I realize that in this all faces are only varied manifestations of the one thing: Love. Should I choose to see anything else, I will paralyze both myself and my chances.

How be it that one might negate the flow of goodness? Simply, by seeing the foul stenches of action rather than reveling in the fragrant scents of intention. That which we focus on most will absolutely overcome all adversarial energies coming to test our mettle, if we choose to focus on the best of it all. There is no shame in error. None are perfect and it is indeed, word, and spirit our job to watch the drama rather than to get caught up in the scenes of it.

I have longed to have the approval of a certain person. I realize that this person has never simply looked at me, but thoroughly attempted to examine me and pick my wonder apart. It is so clear that they are unable to figure out the grace that flows in my world and through my life. This being the case, one would think that I have the upper hand in this dynamic and therefore sail through the silliness of it very simply. I do not. This person is merely a reflection of my own inner critic and has floundered back and forth between gaining and losing ground as I design myself over and over again. The interesting part of the dynamic comes in the form of when this energy has the ability to impact me most. The very vulnerable parts of myself are usually under fire via this person and I now realize that this is a dragon that I will indeed have to slay at some point. White flags withstanding, there is always a level on which I will NOT be approved of by this person and I have to accept this as a fact.

When we are close to reaching our ultimate goals, the hardest things for us to overcome reveal themselves in a very big way. I have long wanted everyone to like me, not tolerate me, but like me. This is certainly unrealistic, but how often does logic factor into our childhood emotional needs being met? Rarely. "Why doesn't she like me? I never did anything to her." has been a consistent refrain for me. The truth of this however is much simpler: Why do I give a da*n?

This is one of those relationships where my lesson is to become the embodiment of "Your opinion of me is none of my business." I realize that the problems here come when I am feeling inadequate and saddened, guilty and wrong. The judgement I receive from this person is the judgement I am inwardly casting upon myself. It is not rooted in love for the Creator, which is Love for the Self. Love is always the Truth. Anything else is Air and Bullsh*t. Hold on to the Truth. Nothing changes the Divinity of who you are, no one else is able to stand between You and your God. Keep your eyes looking Upward and Inward rather than outward. Hold Truth, not Appearance. It's all Love, even when it doesn't look like it. Blessings.