smashing feet of clay

"And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste, until Allah makes them free from want out of His grace."
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.

We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.

I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.

Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.

I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.

The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.

The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.