My birthday was a few days ago. I woke up feeling a little weak and woozy. Gone was the instant joy that once oozed from my fingertips on the celebration of my day of birth. I knew I had entered another aspect of life. I have reveled in my mature for the past few years and changed seats. Changed seats? Yes, changed seats. I've gone from sitting cross-legged at the feet of elders and now stand behind them to the right, ready to get for them anything that they might require. I have become a vehicle to bridge standing knowledge with new ideas and forward movement. I like this place and I'm proud to have grown into a daughter whose hands elders will eat from. I appreciate the freshness, potential and courage of youth, as well as see their errors in direction. Fortunately, I have acquired enough stature that I can actually reprimand and make suggestions that will be considered. This is no simple fete. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve and share.
As I get older, I get older. I make plans and consider the implications of these plans. This is a great help in the matter of deciding how I will love henceforth and how I will live said love. There was a time when I evaluated suitors based on income, life station, number of children and level of attractive. As I mature, I realize the things I want and require are actually much simpler than the big hoopla everyone has come to make of this men and mating business. I think of my grandparents and I think about my grandfather. He was not a showy man when I knew him, he was a devoted man. He went to work, helped raise his children, played his numbers and rocked out with his wife. There marriage lasted 69 years, until his death, late last year. They did not have an ideal situation, but I did see them actually grow into love. The strength of their marriage rested on them becoming friends and becoming one another's constant. They developed a deeper love and it had nothing to do with romance.
I want romance, just as much as the next woman, however, I understand romance may not be that which endures for the long haul. People site economics, changing lifestyles, and the excitability of black women among the reasons for the low marriage rates, but I think there is something else that happens and is rarely examined. Part of this something else is the perpetual adolescence black men are encouraged to adopt. I once dated a gentleman who told me he was very happy that he had no child support payments, kept waves in his hair and was still able to stay fresh. This person was 43 years old at the time. I have also been pursued by men in their late 30s who revealed they had felony charges as part of their "g". There is a level of urgency these men do not feel which results in a lack of planning and preparing for the future. This doesn't reflect a lack of love of black women. It does demonstrate a lack of self love and a large degree of uncertainty in regard to the future. While I don't advocate any woman becoming a savior for these kinds of men, I do step back and acknowledge that something has to change in regard to how black boys are being grown.
I have two sons and I want them to be good men. Plain and simple. With this, I understand the responsibility I have in helping them be that. I make them do chores, but I also speak to them about women, about friendship, about being able to take care of themselves, about people who care for them and how real friends behave. My hope is that they are able to know who they are from within themselves, and are able to bridge that with who they want to be and will have to become for the world that awaits them. I have created simple steps of accountability in this regard for them and adhere to them as closely as possible.
1. If they fail a grade, summer school, night school, whatever is necessary WILL happen to bring the grade up,
2. If they impregnante someone, they will marry that girl.
3. We discuss rationale behind decisions they make and we discuss the feelings behind what has happened. these are my ways of combating the closed nature many black men seem to carry. As a woman, their mother, I feel this is the best gift I can give them and the world. It is my blessing, and expression of thanks. I've chosen to do it this way because they will at a minimum have a frame of reference to refer to OR ignore. I'm too old to not do this...
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