Amazing the way they
Take air Inhale and figure out how to
make emotion take sound
fly upon the wings of
the unspoken
Push forward the essence of this
world
the reasons we move and
in spite of ourselves make
decisions based on flesh
and the visions we wield behind
closed lids
the way the diaphragm contorts
itself to shake the sides of
one's spirit
and make it scream
YES YES YES I release
the proper
the moral
the controlled
the expected
Air Sound teasing touch
making it humble to the
sacred and be
OPEN
SxLvTlk
SxLvTlk: Know Your Grey
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Stop Begging
The best thing we can do is love our life. The way we show this love is by living the best life we are capable of. In the moments leading up to this one, I am realizing that I have done a mixed job of it. There have been wonderful moments of revelation and ecstasy, oh yes, ecstasy and there have been moments of absolute defeat and despair. In this, the despair has never been the primary cause of me doing anything simply because it was through the despair that I was able to figure out how I had either betrayed myself or allowed myself to be influenced by opinions other than my own. The Creator, if we allow It to, speaks with us on a continuous and regular basis. I have had a history of having a very direct link to this wonderful source of Energy, Inspiration, Protection and Witness that has only been blocked when I have allowed other sounds to ring more loudly than my own voice and the Voice. I have learned to Stop Begging.
When I speak of Begging, I am talking about exhibiting those behaviors that show the world that we do not find ourselves worthy of what we desire. It does not matter if the object of desire is a loved one, a job, a friendship, or admittance to an elite (perceived as) group, the issue is the same. Most often, we are working to prove that we deserve what we want. This is not necessary simply because, we exist. This existence alone comes with a certain entitlement, this because desire is the thing that brings more life. In The Science of Getting Rich by Wattle, desire is described as the fullness of more life. What moves the world, this life forward is our ability to stretch beyond what we think we are capable of. This yearning is what brings about advancement. The yearning, is where we truly find the depth of ourselves and the depth of Love. When we encounter blockages, sometimes it is because our desires have been overruled and the thing sought may very well indeed bring more trouble than joy and progress. The old teaching of forcing people to accept us does not in this day and time serve us. Begging will never bring respect from the people begged from. It sends a message that the Holder of the Desired Object has something that is inaccessible to the Beggar. This, in and of itself gives the Holder, Power over the Beggar. The problem with this is the Beggar will then make decisions from a place of panic, rather than a place of power. In this exchange, the Beggar will Never be successful, because the Holder will always be able to change the terms and conditions for obtaining the object sought. This does not serve Life and only wastes time, effort and energy. Wack. Rather than beg for recognition and acceptance, Understand the inherent worth one holds simply by the fact that they draw breath. THAT in and of ITSELF is a MIRACLE.
If you love living, you must prove it by the way you live. Are you being the Best Self Possible, shining your gifts upon the world, or are you Begging for permission to come from behind the clouds? Define the terms of your happiness, decide what brings you joy, determine what will keep you safe. As always, Know Your Grey
When I speak of Begging, I am talking about exhibiting those behaviors that show the world that we do not find ourselves worthy of what we desire. It does not matter if the object of desire is a loved one, a job, a friendship, or admittance to an elite (perceived as) group, the issue is the same. Most often, we are working to prove that we deserve what we want. This is not necessary simply because, we exist. This existence alone comes with a certain entitlement, this because desire is the thing that brings more life. In The Science of Getting Rich by Wattle, desire is described as the fullness of more life. What moves the world, this life forward is our ability to stretch beyond what we think we are capable of. This yearning is what brings about advancement. The yearning, is where we truly find the depth of ourselves and the depth of Love. When we encounter blockages, sometimes it is because our desires have been overruled and the thing sought may very well indeed bring more trouble than joy and progress. The old teaching of forcing people to accept us does not in this day and time serve us. Begging will never bring respect from the people begged from. It sends a message that the Holder of the Desired Object has something that is inaccessible to the Beggar. This, in and of itself gives the Holder, Power over the Beggar. The problem with this is the Beggar will then make decisions from a place of panic, rather than a place of power. In this exchange, the Beggar will Never be successful, because the Holder will always be able to change the terms and conditions for obtaining the object sought. This does not serve Life and only wastes time, effort and energy. Wack. Rather than beg for recognition and acceptance, Understand the inherent worth one holds simply by the fact that they draw breath. THAT in and of ITSELF is a MIRACLE.
If you love living, you must prove it by the way you live. Are you being the Best Self Possible, shining your gifts upon the world, or are you Begging for permission to come from behind the clouds? Define the terms of your happiness, decide what brings you joy, determine what will keep you safe. As always, Know Your Grey
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Imperfect Essentials
I am secretly reveling in the fact that I have not declared a public campaign or thrust myself into a major self-promoting plug rampage. I have remained true to my mission and I have been quite introspective regarding this blog, SxLvTlk and Smart<3Tlk. The overall premise of me being the Black Love Advocate is my desire to see beautiful unions between people, but moreso, beautiful unions between people and their hearts, missions and psyches. I have been in many conversations with people about SxLvTlk and the reason why it exists. The primary questions people ask are, "Are you married or in a committed relationship?" and "Are you a relationship expert?" My answer to the first is a resounding, "Yes," and my answer to the second is , "Absolutely not." The journey is on-going. It strikes people as funny that a person who labels herself the Black Love Advocate is not in a marriage or committed love relationship. I don't think it should if we are being honest. No relationship is stagnant. All relationships, legally recognized, informally agreed upon and consumated go through changes. I am thoroughly incomplete from the perspective that I am in process and am always working to understand who I become and how my lovestyle, desires, wants and non-negotiables redefine and reform themselves. I have been fortunate in that I always am changing and growing. I welcome the expansion, even when the actual molding is uncomfortable. Most often, only what is absolutely essential remains. This too, is true of SxLvTlk.
SxLvTlk began as an idea in 2007. Inspired by Dr. Joy DeGruy-Leary, Jawanza Kunjufu, Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis and my grandparents, I wondered what happened that I could not name 10 couples that had been together for 5 or more years, majority of those years being happy. I worked my idea a few different ways, specifying as I went. Should the lien be jovial? Should it be like a workshop? Should I have panelists? Should it be like a therapy session? Should the focus be carnal? Do I take the lead or be more of a background player? I hammered out a basic format that I shared with the world on May 15, 2009, in the Bronx. The first session was, "Breaking Ice and Breaking Through." Since then, SxLvTlk has changed a bit, becoming a healthy mix of conversation, game night, cocktail party, and visiting with people who become friends. As we enter our fourth season, there are some things that I have come to accept as well as embrace.
1. People require time and connection. This meaning, something that has changed is the amount of time we are willing to invest in truly getting to understand ourselves and others. I'm always amazed by the responses I receive from simply remembering people's names and making phone calls to follow-up.
2. I will always approach discussions from a carnal and spiritual place. I am not unable to separate the two. The quest for union with the Divine is eternal, the way we give expression to that energy is through the material. As quickly as I say, "Ache", I can say, "Damn that." I don't see contradiction there, simply because I am unable to limit the ability of spirit to Move. I will say, some situations require more of one and less of the other.
3. The freedom that draws people to me, may keep them from my program. As I accept my idiosyncrasies and understand my motivations, my filter for fronting thins. The polite veneer adopted to make oneself palatable is not always the way by which I speak or live my truth. My choices are my own, I take responsibility for them, and in return I, Live and Let Live. I don't think everything is alright, but I acknowledge that I do not have the right to dictate to others what is right to them.
4. Discomfort usually means a nerve has been hit. I used to try and minimize conflict during SxLvTlk sessions, however, I have come to understand conflict can be used to help those having the conflict shift perspective and grow to broader understanding. It is often much more comfortable to remain in our boxes, than to round out our bends into a circle.
5. I rock the heck out of personal contact, seeing spirits and helping people recognize their strengths. Oh yes, I have a very, very good ability to see people. I am able to hear what they say, empathize and analyze, celebrate and select. It is one of the things I've been blessed with. For better or worse, I am able to pinpoint for others, missteps and help them get themselves back on track. Even those who "spitefully use and rebuke you." This, however, has helped me define my purpose and the rhythm I want my discussions to move on, and spirit I want them to embody.
With that, be on the look out for more personal contact from Ms. Sherry, Black Love Advocate and be prepared to open your mind and share the insights, questions and learnings of your soul, body and mind on this journey called, Life. In the words of my Madrina, "Life is not a dress rehearsal."
SxLvTlk began as an idea in 2007. Inspired by Dr. Joy DeGruy-Leary, Jawanza Kunjufu, Ruby Dee and Ossie Davis and my grandparents, I wondered what happened that I could not name 10 couples that had been together for 5 or more years, majority of those years being happy. I worked my idea a few different ways, specifying as I went. Should the lien be jovial? Should it be like a workshop? Should I have panelists? Should it be like a therapy session? Should the focus be carnal? Do I take the lead or be more of a background player? I hammered out a basic format that I shared with the world on May 15, 2009, in the Bronx. The first session was, "Breaking Ice and Breaking Through." Since then, SxLvTlk has changed a bit, becoming a healthy mix of conversation, game night, cocktail party, and visiting with people who become friends. As we enter our fourth season, there are some things that I have come to accept as well as embrace.
1. People require time and connection. This meaning, something that has changed is the amount of time we are willing to invest in truly getting to understand ourselves and others. I'm always amazed by the responses I receive from simply remembering people's names and making phone calls to follow-up.
2. I will always approach discussions from a carnal and spiritual place. I am not unable to separate the two. The quest for union with the Divine is eternal, the way we give expression to that energy is through the material. As quickly as I say, "Ache", I can say, "Damn that." I don't see contradiction there, simply because I am unable to limit the ability of spirit to Move. I will say, some situations require more of one and less of the other.
3. The freedom that draws people to me, may keep them from my program. As I accept my idiosyncrasies and understand my motivations, my filter for fronting thins. The polite veneer adopted to make oneself palatable is not always the way by which I speak or live my truth. My choices are my own, I take responsibility for them, and in return I, Live and Let Live. I don't think everything is alright, but I acknowledge that I do not have the right to dictate to others what is right to them.
4. Discomfort usually means a nerve has been hit. I used to try and minimize conflict during SxLvTlk sessions, however, I have come to understand conflict can be used to help those having the conflict shift perspective and grow to broader understanding. It is often much more comfortable to remain in our boxes, than to round out our bends into a circle.
5. I rock the heck out of personal contact, seeing spirits and helping people recognize their strengths. Oh yes, I have a very, very good ability to see people. I am able to hear what they say, empathize and analyze, celebrate and select. It is one of the things I've been blessed with. For better or worse, I am able to pinpoint for others, missteps and help them get themselves back on track. Even those who "spitefully use and rebuke you." This, however, has helped me define my purpose and the rhythm I want my discussions to move on, and spirit I want them to embody.
With that, be on the look out for more personal contact from Ms. Sherry, Black Love Advocate and be prepared to open your mind and share the insights, questions and learnings of your soul, body and mind on this journey called, Life. In the words of my Madrina, "Life is not a dress rehearsal."
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Learning My Grey
It's been three months and two days since I last posted. Love has officially tossed me on my derriere. I am still in my grieving process however, I am in that awkward space of happy memory, disappointment and accepting that this, is "for the best." So, I ask that you all, who do sneak and read this blog forgive me my humanity and understand that, I too, am in process. That being said, let's push forward.
Life and Love asked me to show them what, if anything, I'd truly learned. The last few SxLvTlks have centered around the various manifestations of contrast. In April, we discussed Unequal Yokes, May took us to a place of trying to create alignment between words and feelings and June spun us around various takes regarding What Men Say and What Women Hear. My biggest learning in this in NOT to be afraid of failing, particularly since it leads to learning.
Love, Attraction and Sex are powerful entities on their own and should not be approached on a whim. When they are aligned, they provide a wonderful elixir of inspiration, security and comfort. When they are not, chaos, pain and bitterness ensue. I have learned my own areas of excel and countered with areas where extensive healing is still required. More than that though, I have found footing for SxLvTlk's tagline: Know Your Grey. After a brief definition, I'll offer 8 points of clarity, one for each missed week and hopefully, my learning will square us.
Know Your Grey commands people to be active participants in their lovelife journeys. Since there are few absolutes, due to the changing nature of people and the life stages they occupy, being able to blend the nuances of one's non-negotiables (blacks) with one's hopes and desires(whites) can provide a healthy and particular mix of options (greys) by which to live and love.
During the course of my rendezvous, I found myself unable to answer certain questions. This was primarily due to the newness of the interaction and the incredible uniqueness of its dynamic. I didn't know my grey because I had to learn it. While that may seem incredibly simple, it wasn't. I'd brought my whole self to the experience. My power, weakness, vulnerability, desires, joy, frustrations, indecisiveness, familial longings, spiritual incarnation objectives...you name it. I never thought, much less considered that All of that was not necessarily called for, much less requested. That lead me to underscore a point I'd respected but had not adopted,
1. Have the courage to be cautious. My pattern had been to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go, a modified "strike while the iron is hot"approach, if you will. While action is wonderful, assessment is crucial. Sara Ban Breathnach, author of Something More, recommends three nights of sleep before making any major decision. Not doing this helped me remain insecure and somewhat reluctant. This lack of resolution hung so heavily on me that my partner was drowning in it which countered all efforts to reassure me of the truth of the love match. Hearing firm, but gentle and loving tones turn angry and accusatory was overwhelming and painful but I couldn't turn the tide back to balance on my own because I was not full or certain on my own.
2. Move from a place of compassion, not possession. I could very easily move from a place of blame and bitterness, but my experiences are precisely about that, me. With that, a simple fixed point, one's own True North must be maintained. If it is truly about love, I have to think about the other person and share experiences rather than seeking to own the right to create one.
3. Know how to maintain your wonder. There were moments when my beloved's touch brought my soul a peace I'd Never known prior but there were other moments when I felt a thick presence surrounding me that refused to let me breathe. My chest would get heavy, my breathing would shallow. I knew something shifted, and big. With that I knew I wasn't the Beautiful I'd come to love myself for and as. I'd developed systems and mini-rituals to keep myself strong however, my regularity and discipline with practice fell almost away. The saving grace for me came in the form of a trip to the desert. I KNEW the heat, sun and distance would give me what I needed to clear my head, cleanse my hands and brighten my spirit. I came back home with myself, as myself. Accepting responsibility for my missteps, speaking my truth, and
4. Accepting the consequence of the choice. No one forced me to push past what I thought was sensible and healthy. I knew there was great love and affection, however, I had not estimated or balanced the strength of the bond of friendship. In my excitement and desire, I ignored a major recommendation I often cite,
5. Invest four seasons before making a commitment. This arrogance or naievete (depending on one's outlook) highlights the beauty and brutal balance of life. Regardless of one's belief or practice,
6. No one is above Universal Law, the scales will always find the balance they deem appropriate whether it levels out or tips to one side. The guru I studied under introduced me to this concept. Alignment is a crucial point to remember and we are created with certain self-defense mechanisms we often do not consult and take for granted. She also introduced me to the next point, which is important to anyone who considers themselves spiritual,
7. The mind is the gateway to the heart. In the case of my love, this experience exposed to me a flawed premise I didn't know I'd ingrained in myself; Love involves Pain. A premise I have longed to discard. A teaching I have longed to understand, Nothing can last that is corrupt at its base without utilizing more creativity than its worth, became relevant because the point itself became a loggerhead. I'd be yelling, "flow" while my Darling would be yelling, "work". Our values and desires were not aligned and so we lived out our karma. Llikewise, the mind serves as a protection when we allow it to. I could have allowed my gateway to serve as the point on how to proceed but I allowed my idea of possibility to propel me into motion. I don't regret this, because if I had to do it over, I would do it again, I would just use a different methodology.
With all of this, I know for me, Spiritual Practice, Sharing and the not running from shame and scandal are imperative parts of my process. This comprises my 8th point,
8. Embrace all parts of yourself, WITHOUT apology, particularly since many others are seeking reasons not to accept the validity of your presence, wisdom and majesty; preferring instead to have reasons to set themselves above you. Judgement is much more satisfying than integrity and exposure. Boldness often causes the timid to buckle, though this is alright too, , because it is only a matter of time before life offers opportunity to progress, all of it, is a process.
To loving your nuances and learning your grey! Be Yourself!
Life and Love asked me to show them what, if anything, I'd truly learned. The last few SxLvTlks have centered around the various manifestations of contrast. In April, we discussed Unequal Yokes, May took us to a place of trying to create alignment between words and feelings and June spun us around various takes regarding What Men Say and What Women Hear. My biggest learning in this in NOT to be afraid of failing, particularly since it leads to learning.
Love, Attraction and Sex are powerful entities on their own and should not be approached on a whim. When they are aligned, they provide a wonderful elixir of inspiration, security and comfort. When they are not, chaos, pain and bitterness ensue. I have learned my own areas of excel and countered with areas where extensive healing is still required. More than that though, I have found footing for SxLvTlk's tagline: Know Your Grey. After a brief definition, I'll offer 8 points of clarity, one for each missed week and hopefully, my learning will square us.
Know Your Grey commands people to be active participants in their lovelife journeys. Since there are few absolutes, due to the changing nature of people and the life stages they occupy, being able to blend the nuances of one's non-negotiables (blacks) with one's hopes and desires(whites) can provide a healthy and particular mix of options (greys) by which to live and love.
During the course of my rendezvous, I found myself unable to answer certain questions. This was primarily due to the newness of the interaction and the incredible uniqueness of its dynamic. I didn't know my grey because I had to learn it. While that may seem incredibly simple, it wasn't. I'd brought my whole self to the experience. My power, weakness, vulnerability, desires, joy, frustrations, indecisiveness, familial longings, spiritual incarnation objectives...you name it. I never thought, much less considered that All of that was not necessarily called for, much less requested. That lead me to underscore a point I'd respected but had not adopted,
1. Have the courage to be cautious. My pattern had been to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go, a modified "strike while the iron is hot"approach, if you will. While action is wonderful, assessment is crucial. Sara Ban Breathnach, author of Something More, recommends three nights of sleep before making any major decision. Not doing this helped me remain insecure and somewhat reluctant. This lack of resolution hung so heavily on me that my partner was drowning in it which countered all efforts to reassure me of the truth of the love match. Hearing firm, but gentle and loving tones turn angry and accusatory was overwhelming and painful but I couldn't turn the tide back to balance on my own because I was not full or certain on my own.
2. Move from a place of compassion, not possession. I could very easily move from a place of blame and bitterness, but my experiences are precisely about that, me. With that, a simple fixed point, one's own True North must be maintained. If it is truly about love, I have to think about the other person and share experiences rather than seeking to own the right to create one.
3. Know how to maintain your wonder. There were moments when my beloved's touch brought my soul a peace I'd Never known prior but there were other moments when I felt a thick presence surrounding me that refused to let me breathe. My chest would get heavy, my breathing would shallow. I knew something shifted, and big. With that I knew I wasn't the Beautiful I'd come to love myself for and as. I'd developed systems and mini-rituals to keep myself strong however, my regularity and discipline with practice fell almost away. The saving grace for me came in the form of a trip to the desert. I KNEW the heat, sun and distance would give me what I needed to clear my head, cleanse my hands and brighten my spirit. I came back home with myself, as myself. Accepting responsibility for my missteps, speaking my truth, and
4. Accepting the consequence of the choice. No one forced me to push past what I thought was sensible and healthy. I knew there was great love and affection, however, I had not estimated or balanced the strength of the bond of friendship. In my excitement and desire, I ignored a major recommendation I often cite,
5. Invest four seasons before making a commitment. This arrogance or naievete (depending on one's outlook) highlights the beauty and brutal balance of life. Regardless of one's belief or practice,
6. No one is above Universal Law, the scales will always find the balance they deem appropriate whether it levels out or tips to one side. The guru I studied under introduced me to this concept. Alignment is a crucial point to remember and we are created with certain self-defense mechanisms we often do not consult and take for granted. She also introduced me to the next point, which is important to anyone who considers themselves spiritual,
7. The mind is the gateway to the heart. In the case of my love, this experience exposed to me a flawed premise I didn't know I'd ingrained in myself; Love involves Pain. A premise I have longed to discard. A teaching I have longed to understand, Nothing can last that is corrupt at its base without utilizing more creativity than its worth, became relevant because the point itself became a loggerhead. I'd be yelling, "flow" while my Darling would be yelling, "work". Our values and desires were not aligned and so we lived out our karma. Llikewise, the mind serves as a protection when we allow it to. I could have allowed my gateway to serve as the point on how to proceed but I allowed my idea of possibility to propel me into motion. I don't regret this, because if I had to do it over, I would do it again, I would just use a different methodology.
With all of this, I know for me, Spiritual Practice, Sharing and the not running from shame and scandal are imperative parts of my process. This comprises my 8th point,
8. Embrace all parts of yourself, WITHOUT apology, particularly since many others are seeking reasons not to accept the validity of your presence, wisdom and majesty; preferring instead to have reasons to set themselves above you. Judgement is much more satisfying than integrity and exposure. Boldness often causes the timid to buckle, though this is alright too, , because it is only a matter of time before life offers opportunity to progress, all of it, is a process.
To loving your nuances and learning your grey! Be Yourself!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Proper Diet
I went on a date Sunday. A real date. Man picks woman up at her house, Woman comes downstairs, Man opens car door, Man and Woman dine, Man pays tab, Woman leaves tip (I believe in Cooperation), Man and Woman go to bookstore, Man drives Woman home, Woman thanks Man for Beautiful evening. Man and Woman Good-Night Kiss. Man says,"I'll call you." Woman smiles and responds, "Alright." Woman goes to her domicile, prepares for rest and Dreams Sweetly. Man calls, bbms, texts and Woman wonders, "What the heck did I do so differently to have such a Wonderful Evening when I've been 0 for 3 this year?" Reflective silence. Woman realizes a minute detail...She looked inside her soul one day and said, "What do I like that agrees with my constitution?" She remembered her diet and stuck to it. Simple.
2011. I'd promised myself that this year would be the year I accepted nothing less than the best from Myself. I decided to really focus on goals and their fulfillment, to be selective about the energies I entertained and to be honest about placement and worthiness. I promised I would eat properly, maintain my spirit properly and respect my instincts, feelings and sensibilities. When life presented situations that required acknowledgment and attention, I would comply. No more immediate benefit of the doubt, no more excusing improper behavior and disrespectful treatment. For the most part, I'd done that. In every area except one...guess which?
My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had a beautiful day. Everyone I wanted to hear from called me and all of the wishes I held had come true. My children healthy, my grandmother, and mother, Nana still with me. My dear ones also holding me dear, my Spiritual Court in order and communicating with me. All I could do was say, "Thank You." However, as beautiful as all of this is, I realized I had not taken care of the woman in me. She needed attention too, and all she was being offered was folly.
Initially, I thought it was because I was past my prime, but then I realized it was because I was feeding my heart a diet of processed thoughts and artificial projections. Everything in my life improved other than how I was allowing like, relationship and sensual fulfillment to reveal itself to me. I only realized I was feeding my heart poorly when I noticed how shoddy it looked in comparison to everything else Life, Grace and Self-Effort were revealing, a withering plant in a blossoming garden. I thought about my birthday and although it had passed, I realized I could give my heart a Celebration and in that, rescind the gale of media, naysaying and internalized bashing that had me picking through scraps to find my heart's comfort. I had the perfect opportunity to make myself speak Truth to Power. If I could command my thoughts properly, I would see an immediate change in the world I experienced.
I looked in my closet and threw away clothes that reminded me of slavery, obligation and the expectations of others regarding what a "responsible" woman should wear. I looked in the mirror and instead of shuddering at the sight of new lines and a few grey hairs, I embraced them and found the beauty of my For Real Black Woman. I looked at my pouch and realized it was not too far gone to reflect the zest and enthusiasm I felt for the new adventures that await me. But the most powerful thing of all was looking at myself, seeing the Woman before me and objectively asking, "What does a Man that SHE wants to spend time with look like? What does he do for HIMSELF? What does he notice about HER? How do his actions reflect CONCERN for HER rather than solely forwarding his own agenda?" That was the suggestive statement! With that, I had to look at the men requesting audience through a very different scope and quite as quickly had fallen many. Every beautiful word, loving glance and act of tenderness I gave to myself served to massage the reckless nature of my mind. Each picture I held of a memory, favorite song, or occurring event that was masterfully navigated gave me credibility to Myself and allowed me to realize, "You CAN Trust yourself, now. Life has loved you thoroughly enough to undress itself and reveal its unpredictable nature. It has given you enough time to learn how to adapt. There is nothing you can do that will destroy YOU. There is a body of information to sift through, and in your learning you have come to LOVE this Creature before you as though fashioned by the hands of God Himself. This being the case, you hold your soul and happiness precious. Trust your feelings and Judgement, they are Good and Accurate. You Know YOURSELF." With that, I kissed my own soul not from a place of vanity but a place of understanding and with that, Men began to approach and boys returned to the native nothingness from which they came.
Feed your Self properly...
I'll be on the road, but I will be back next week. Enjoy and Bon Appetit!
2011. I'd promised myself that this year would be the year I accepted nothing less than the best from Myself. I decided to really focus on goals and their fulfillment, to be selective about the energies I entertained and to be honest about placement and worthiness. I promised I would eat properly, maintain my spirit properly and respect my instincts, feelings and sensibilities. When life presented situations that required acknowledgment and attention, I would comply. No more immediate benefit of the doubt, no more excusing improper behavior and disrespectful treatment. For the most part, I'd done that. In every area except one...guess which?
My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had a beautiful day. Everyone I wanted to hear from called me and all of the wishes I held had come true. My children healthy, my grandmother, and mother, Nana still with me. My dear ones also holding me dear, my Spiritual Court in order and communicating with me. All I could do was say, "Thank You." However, as beautiful as all of this is, I realized I had not taken care of the woman in me. She needed attention too, and all she was being offered was folly.
Initially, I thought it was because I was past my prime, but then I realized it was because I was feeding my heart a diet of processed thoughts and artificial projections. Everything in my life improved other than how I was allowing like, relationship and sensual fulfillment to reveal itself to me. I only realized I was feeding my heart poorly when I noticed how shoddy it looked in comparison to everything else Life, Grace and Self-Effort were revealing, a withering plant in a blossoming garden. I thought about my birthday and although it had passed, I realized I could give my heart a Celebration and in that, rescind the gale of media, naysaying and internalized bashing that had me picking through scraps to find my heart's comfort. I had the perfect opportunity to make myself speak Truth to Power. If I could command my thoughts properly, I would see an immediate change in the world I experienced.
I looked in my closet and threw away clothes that reminded me of slavery, obligation and the expectations of others regarding what a "responsible" woman should wear. I looked in the mirror and instead of shuddering at the sight of new lines and a few grey hairs, I embraced them and found the beauty of my For Real Black Woman. I looked at my pouch and realized it was not too far gone to reflect the zest and enthusiasm I felt for the new adventures that await me. But the most powerful thing of all was looking at myself, seeing the Woman before me and objectively asking, "What does a Man that SHE wants to spend time with look like? What does he do for HIMSELF? What does he notice about HER? How do his actions reflect CONCERN for HER rather than solely forwarding his own agenda?" That was the suggestive statement! With that, I had to look at the men requesting audience through a very different scope and quite as quickly had fallen many. Every beautiful word, loving glance and act of tenderness I gave to myself served to massage the reckless nature of my mind. Each picture I held of a memory, favorite song, or occurring event that was masterfully navigated gave me credibility to Myself and allowed me to realize, "You CAN Trust yourself, now. Life has loved you thoroughly enough to undress itself and reveal its unpredictable nature. It has given you enough time to learn how to adapt. There is nothing you can do that will destroy YOU. There is a body of information to sift through, and in your learning you have come to LOVE this Creature before you as though fashioned by the hands of God Himself. This being the case, you hold your soul and happiness precious. Trust your feelings and Judgement, they are Good and Accurate. You Know YOURSELF." With that, I kissed my own soul not from a place of vanity but a place of understanding and with that, Men began to approach and boys returned to the native nothingness from which they came.
Feed your Self properly...
I'll be on the road, but I will be back next week. Enjoy and Bon Appetit!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Leveling the Balance
Apologies for the late post, I've been updating this blog on Wednesdays and have been pretty consistent. This week I was kind of in shock at the act of Lashandra Armstrong, the 25 year old mother who drove her minivan into the Hudson River with her 10, 5, 2, year olds and 11 month old daughter in tow. My blood is still a bit thick behind that...May death bring her the peace she didn't find on this plane. To the souls of the children, I simply apologize.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
smashing feet of clay
"And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste, until Allah makes them free from want out of His grace."
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)