smashing feet of clay

"And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste, until Allah makes them free from want out of His grace."
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.

We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.

I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.

Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.

I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.

The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.

The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.

In Spirit and in Truth

My birthday was a few days ago. I woke up feeling a little weak and woozy. Gone was the instant joy that once oozed from my fingertips on the celebration of my day of birth. I knew I had entered another aspect of life. I have reveled in my mature for the past few years and changed seats. Changed seats? Yes, changed seats. I've gone from sitting cross-legged at the feet of elders and now stand behind them to the right, ready to get for them anything that they might require. I have become a vehicle to bridge standing knowledge with new ideas and forward movement. I like this place and I'm proud to have grown into a daughter whose hands elders will eat from. I appreciate the freshness, potential and courage of youth, as well as see their errors in direction. Fortunately, I have acquired enough stature that I can actually reprimand and make suggestions that will be considered. This is no simple fete. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve and share.

As I get older, I get older. I make plans and consider the implications of these plans. This is a great help in the matter of deciding how I will love henceforth and how I will live said love. There was a time when I evaluated suitors based on income, life station, number of children and level of attractive. As I mature, I realize the things I want and require are actually much simpler than the big hoopla everyone has come to make of this men and mating business. I think of my grandparents and I think about my grandfather. He was not a showy man when I knew him, he was a devoted man. He went to work, helped raise his children, played his numbers and rocked out with his wife. There marriage lasted 69 years, until his death, late last year. They did not have an ideal situation, but I did see them actually grow into love. The strength of their marriage rested on them becoming friends and becoming one another's constant. They developed a deeper love and it had nothing to do with romance.

I want romance, just as much as the next woman, however, I understand romance may not be that which endures for the long haul. People site economics, changing lifestyles, and the excitability of black women among the reasons for the low marriage rates, but I think there is something else that happens and is rarely examined. Part of this something else is the perpetual adolescence black men are encouraged to adopt. I once dated a gentleman who told me he was very happy that he had no child support payments, kept waves in his hair and was still able to stay fresh. This person was 43 years old at the time. I have also been pursued by men in their late 30s who revealed they had felony charges as part of their "g". There is a level of urgency these men do not feel which results in a lack of planning and preparing for the future. This doesn't reflect a lack of love of black women. It does demonstrate a lack of self love and a large degree of uncertainty in regard to the future. While I don't advocate any woman becoming a savior for these kinds of men, I do step back and acknowledge that something has to change in regard to how black boys are being grown.

I have two sons and I want them to be good men. Plain and simple. With this, I understand the responsibility I have in helping them be that. I make them do chores, but I also speak to them about women, about friendship, about being able to take care of themselves, about people who care for them and how real friends behave. My hope is that they are able to know who they are from within themselves, and are able to bridge that with who they want to be and will have to become for the world that awaits them. I have created simple steps of accountability in this regard for them and adhere to them as closely as possible.
1. If they fail a grade, summer school, night school, whatever is necessary WILL happen to bring the grade up,
2. If they impregnante someone, they will marry that girl.
3. We discuss rationale behind decisions they make and we discuss the feelings behind what has happened. these are my ways of combating the closed nature many black men seem to carry. As a woman, their mother, I feel this is the best gift I can give them and the world. It is my blessing, and expression of thanks. I've chosen to do it this way because they will at a minimum have a frame of reference to refer to OR ignore. I'm too old to not do this...

SxLv and Simplicity:Reviving MY Sacred Nature

SxLv and Simplicity was an incredible session. Perphaps one of my favorites so far. I approached the evening from a space of service, joy and clarity. I had but ONE intention, keep command of the discussion: excavate. Don't go off on too many tangents, focus on the topic, and offer Points of Consideration as takeaways. As SxLvTlk grows, I realize there are a few things about it that scare the hell out of me.

One of those things is the highly personal nature of this work, another is the fact that it forces me to examine my own actions and intentions, the biggest fear perhaps is that I absolutely love being used to "Speak the Unspokens" and am surprised when someone is impacted on an inner level by the talk. Its incredible to me. Every time someone says,"Thank You" I am amazed. Probably because I know the Oshun and Yemaya of it. (I refer to Oshun as the party and Yemaya as the work to make the party happen if I'm at a loss for a really quick and dirty explanation of these powers.)

Insights I gained from the last session, incredibly lively and profound were the following:

1. Each person's experience, while unique to them, contains overlapping qualities that allow for group consenus, this helps gauge validity of challenges and moments of triumph.

2. Love IS absolutely alive and wanted in the Black & Brown community, but some of us have wandered a bit off course from the family/community building part,

3. We may need to return to Courtship and Counsel before we make any irreversible lovechoices.

With that, this past week forced me to examine incongruence between my "Ms. Sherry" and my "Black Woman working to have the life she desires and deserves." I have made firm decisions regarding where I want to be in regard to life and love projects. I have identified my perfect him, I have even written my list and re-defined my non-negotiables. I have maintained a vibrational frequency to which he must resonate in order to not only find me, but keep my attention long enough to curry my favor.

Why then has every other energy found a way to contact me and request not only conversation, but audience?

Initially, I thought it was because the Creator didn't agree with my decision and was presenting other options for me to explore. I investigated the energies and upon conclusion of said investigations, I laughed. I realized there were areas I have grown in and certain things, I just cannot entertain. I am definitely on a different road. The love projects I take on at this point, have to match and compliment the woman I am and become. They must be pure and simple. Through this, I can call the sacred. THAT is what i strive to achieve in my love. While this is different, THIS is what builds self, supports the beloved and lays foundation for longevity. I have experienced bright bursts of ecstasy that have burned out mostly due to my inability to bend love's lens toward an angle that would refract rather than reflect or diffuse luminosity. I now stretch my arms wide and trust my vision and judgment so that prisms find me and turn my white light into rainbows.

I no longer place the responsibility for my happiness on others and have trained myself in the feeling of happiness, purpose and joy. As I fail to get the responses that provide me with encouragement to proceed, I actively search for the good in this regard. I was expecting a call that didn't come for some time. Anxiety began to set in and I refused to let my emotions push me into a tailspin of explosive reaction. What I did do was, search my mind for all the examples I knew that invalidated my anxiety and gave myself a "spoonful of sugar". While my emotions said, "The call hasn't come because he doesn't want us," my mind shot back, "NO. God has given us someone who loves us to the degree that he makes sure he is in alignment with his best self before he shares our company." This was no small task. After 3 failed long-term relationships I was left with incredible doubts regarding my desirability and womanhood. Particulary wondering about the proverbial "they"; "I know "they" think I can't keep a man.", "I know they probably wonder what's wrong with me.", "They probably think I'm loose," and while this may or may not be true, it isn't "their" responsibility to make my life work, it's mine.

These worries didn't serve me well, nor did they get me to the place I needed to be to see the changes I made manifest. I kept not only my new train of thought, but also the memories of the innocence that welled up in me when I thought of the caller, and the giggles he drew out of me. He called up my girl and in her lives my faith in what is possible...she is the dreamer of me. I had to challenge my internal "they" and strengthen my resolve to build Me, with this...I could forge new tools to lay new roads to walk upon. Lesson?
Keep it simple. The big things we want: good health, financial security, loving mates, productive, innovative children are created from the small choices we make. Consistently check your perspective, challenge your negative, self-protective thoughts. Trust your instincts and your growth. You won't make the same mistakes if you've been paying attention. Appreciate the opportunity to learn, grow and change. The blessing of Simplicity is its pure access to the gateway of the Sacred.

Getting Better With Time

Thanks to Romeyer. A beautiful woman who had the gumption to check this site only to find it hadn't been updated and had no new information on what SxLvTlk was doing or how it was progressing. My first paragraph has to be dedicated to apology, and apology without excuse. RuthWorks Talk & Training has been in existence for nearly three years and I have yet to list a calendar of events. This perhaps due to fear, an assumed lack of interest, and on occasion, fleeting commitment. Romeyer's diligence and ability to be vocal about it, has pushed me to a place of understanding AND accepting the responsibility of being a person with an agenda, who has used various platforms to communicate that agenda to a circle larger than my own mind and thoughts. March seems to be when I get the energy to create and move forward. Perhaps because it is my birth month, perhaps because it is when Spring occurs, in any event, this is my renewed commitment to regularity and becoming a constant in the now saturated realm of relationship "experts".

I am not a relationship expert. I am a Black Love Advocate. This, is the only disclaimer I will offer in regard to Black Love: No, I do not have anything against other races, ethnic groups, creeds- I only offer Black as a point of origin. It has been long established that Black is the first human color created (go back to History class and the Mesopotamian "Eve", or science class tracing Black Woman as the Mother of Civilization.) With this, the cause I champion is that of Black/Brown Love and Family as those are groups I see hardest hit in the areas of family stability and youth achievement. I am somewhat lovestruck in that regard, wondering always how to inspire youth to their highest potential, and understanding that the love between Black Men and Women is the battery that will propel progress, innovation and accomplishment.

Now, SxLvTlk is happening on this Saturday, March 19, 2011 in Mount Vernon. The topic is SxLv and Simplicity. In researching, I have found courtship rituals from the Ancients, however, courtship rituals for the Black American South are difficult to come by. Courtship rituals for the current day and age are extremely varied and seem to be a mish-mosh of everything else. I understand in theory that is what makes up the allure of America, it's ability to be a "melting pot" or as my 11th grade History teacher, Mr. Chustek called it, "a mixing bowl", however, this lack of system and overall community is keeping us at a disadvantage- thus making forums like SxLvTlk -Together Apart-Steve Harvey and everyone else the safe spaces people turn to as they search for the magic bullet to a happy, successful relationship.

SxLvTlk doesn't offer that. SxLvTlk offers a space to explore possibility, a forum to identify one's own lovestyle and needs that encompass that. Our ONLY objective is to help people get honest about what they need so they can be honest and stop choosing inappropriate partners. This will decrease STD/HIV infection rates, unwanted pregnancies and overall broken hearts. This I offer with the prayer of my own heart, to find my truths, receive the Divine Selection for my body and soul and through my own inability to continue living dishonestly allow others the strength of their own convictions, and courage to cross their own thresholds. In Spirit and Truth. Thank You Romeyer

BlackLove is Beautiville

Gotta tell this one straight. I want to go into a romantic diatribe about what I thought, what I did, and what I learned, but it's not that kind of thing. This is more about acceptance and obedience, submission and surrender. This is about looking at what is in front of you and seeing it and yourself for what and where you are, then allowing life to pull you out off the mess you created. 

Many of us walk around with deluded visions of who we are and what we are doing. As I think about how I am typing, I wonder how many eyes I won't capture based on the things I am about to admit. But, press on I must, as I am charged in my heart and soul to tell my truth and liberate those around me to look within and determine their own. For the past year it seemed as though I was walking through fog. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me or why. I just knew my soul was struggling and I was on edge-suspicious and somewhat defeated.  Initially I thought it was money, then I thought it was love, then I thought it was the lack of spiritual fulfillment I was experiencing. It wasn't any of these things. This I know because I was given opportunities to increase my money-which I did, men began to fall from the ceiling, and grace had given me somewhat of a Midas touch, nothing I did wasn't a success. Still, I felt awful. Why?

I was not being honest about who I was, or where I was. As it stands, I am a black woman. Single female head-of-household, 3 kids with 3 different baby daddies and not making a six figure salary. I love to laugh. I love to eat. I love to watch television and I love to talk, read and write. The writing is difficult because it forces me to be still and internal, honest and free. I have to touch those parts that no one sees and that is when the emptiness creeps up on me and I have to acknowledge, "the Pain of Night." I love being pretty and I love that I still fit a size 8 without difficulty and have to get my pants taken in. I carried a lot of guilt about being pretty, because of the attention I received. I didn't see myself as different from my friends or associates but other people did. It embarrassed me. If I was so pretty, so smart, so desirable and sexy, why did I crawl into bed- a tall bed with pillow-top mattress- alone (unless my daughter was home) every night? 

I raced through my memory, sometimes rifling others pausing, a la Octavia Butler Patternmasteresque, and saw. I'd had many, many admirers, and many, many suitors. Most of them good men, most of them ambitious and successful. More of them able to provide me or at a minimum assist me with having an "improved" quality of life. For one reason or another, I had rejected them. My rejections came from a variety of places and reasons but they all boiled down to one thing, ultimately; I didn't feel or, at some point, stopped feeling safe. Rather than be with someone who helped me feel awkward in my own skin, I preferred to suffer. That is the kind of person I've always been, willing to suffer the consequences of my convictions. I'd heard Bro. Minister Rasoul Muhammad-an "illegitimate son" of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad-say that we should not become a "prisoner of our convictions" and thereafter tried to live a structured, though not rigid life, but I found that each of us has basic components of both conscience and personality. For me, "if it ain't right, I ain't rockin'."  And I'd finally learned to trust my IWS (internal warning system), it was never wrong the way a GPS could be. There were things, some people call them red flags, others call them warnings but for me, they were like little nudges where I could almost see my spirits and ancestors arching their eyebrows, sometimes even hearing voices say, "No Baby, you can't live here. Just watch and wait." Inevitably, something would be revealed, and in a Big way. Once I thought back and realized I was not willing to be caged, or to simply be a trophy, nights were easier to endure. I got comfortable being the Champion and Guardian of my Soul, Keeper of my Spirit. And while it may sound romantic, I understood that the sacrifice and trade-off would leave me extremely wanting.  My Creator has promised that I would be denied no good and righteous desire of my heart. This being the case, I wrote across my mind, the gateway to the heart, the words I read from Zora Neale Hurston, "just as I am, I am a Precious Gift."

Word, Son?

This morning I sit at the keyboard, recommitted to accomplishing only a few things; one of them being this blog and a few other projects I just let kind of fritter away into... 

Yesterday, I sat in my office, listening to Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime", thinking about the latest thing to come along and take my mind off of the everpassing days that move without me writing to a larger group than myself, that move with me wondering if I will fuflfill the prophecies of people who say I have simply and foolishly wasted my life.  In the wasting, I looked at the sister and wondered, "Do some people just have good luck, destined for goodness?"  While watching, I had to chuckle a little because I know Erykah doesn't necessarily have it that easy. What caught me moreso was her ability to be herself in spite of what everyone or anyone else's opinion about how she lives her life." She defines herself. This I admired, and missed, remembering a time when I too would wield that power which is indeed sacrosanct.  In this introverted retreat turned exile, I have somewhat allowed my soul to rot, in the wasting, I have wrung my hands and said, "I don't know how to do this."  I do realize that THAT is precisely the fear of all great beings who have been told there is a task for them to accomplish.  Revelation is Relative to Growth. Manifestation is Relative to Grace and Self-Effort.  During my malaise or reverie, I began to share some concerns with a co-worker. Upon disclosure of a certain set of peculiarities she said, "That isn't you. Don't own that!" I looked at her, stunned, her manner wasn't one to be quite so directive. She looked at me and said, "That's what you would say to me, you would say,"Why accept that? It's such an ugly thing." I was speechless. Her words touched me on a deep heart-gut level.  She was right.

I would never allow anyone to hold on to such ugly words about themselves. My next question was, "So why would I hold something so ugly about myself, and then allow myself to believe it?" Incredible.  This made me realize and accept on some levels there was a fundamental belief that had not been changed.  It didn't matter that I had gone to umpteen spiritual workshops, been initiated into x amount of systems or even proven more often than I can remember that I was not only capable, but in many ways superior to more than my own expectations. If I am a Woman who believes in the Righteousness of the Creator and the infinite perfection of Her Creation, why would I have so little faith in my ability to carry out the mandates He/She has Destined for me? This wonder was later confirmed by a visit to my Godfather. I adore him and I adore my Godmother. They are incredible examples of Faith, Devotion to a higher purpose and "Doing What You Love", no matter the cost.  Both of these people have overcome tremendous trials and testaments of faith. I sit at their feet, learning, growing, getting angry and overcoming my own fears and self-imposed limitations. Spirit is Amazing, Doubt & Fear are Crippling. In trying to re-calibrate my understanding, and swag (yes, I unashamedly speak 'hood,)  I realized the awesome power of the mind, and the power of perception.  I also realized that the best way to overcome Fear & Panic are to develop Right Understanding. My struggle with Spirituality, Religion and Dogma have all revolved around interpretation and obedience.  

Often, I have received readings that made me question who I am.  In the explanation of these readings, I was not given an accurate accounting of who I had been or why I had made certain decisions and how I needed to reform or what I needed to continue. Perhaps it had to do with people not wanting to hurt my feelings, by seeing my innate sensitivity and fear of judgment or maybe it was just about getting money until the tree dried up. Whatever it was, I was much too willing to give my power over without processing the information through my own sensibility. As I have grown, and as I have become able to become less afraid of the voices that wake me and the pictures that flood my mind, I have learned to ask questions rather than get angry and stomp away, locking myself into my mind and life. This, I realized was a pattern I repeated often and as a result, I had allowed opportunities to learn, to love, to make money disappear.  "I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten" comes to mind as I think of the slight detour I took. This is not a "pie in the sky", "hope springs eternal" declaration, but a re-commitment to my destiny being made better through the power of deliberate decision making and discernment.  My lesson of the day: don't be gullible, you can't believe everything you hear. Trust your Feelings, even when they don't seem to make sense.  Learn to differentiate between paranoia and the slight discomfort that guides you from Spirit. 

absolutely incredible

Today I decided to look at this blog. I haven't posted in over a year and I should be ashamed of myself.  Apologies to me, apologies to my readers, apologies to the work I know is my task to complete by Divine Right.  In prayer and supplication I raise my hands and say, "How do we eat the elephant?" To this question, there is only one right response, "Bit by bit."

In the words of Florence Scovel Shinn, "I call on the law of forgiveness. What did not happen in the kingdom of my heavenly father, NEVER happened. I am made perfect, in the image and likeness of The Most High."