It's been three months and two days since I last posted. Love has officially tossed me on my derriere. I am still in my grieving process however, I am in that awkward space of happy memory, disappointment and accepting that this, is "for the best." So, I ask that you all, who do sneak and read this blog forgive me my humanity and understand that, I too, am in process. That being said, let's push forward.
Life and Love asked me to show them what, if anything, I'd truly learned. The last few SxLvTlks have centered around the various manifestations of contrast. In April, we discussed Unequal Yokes, May took us to a place of trying to create alignment between words and feelings and June spun us around various takes regarding What Men Say and What Women Hear. My biggest learning in this in NOT to be afraid of failing, particularly since it leads to learning.
Love, Attraction and Sex are powerful entities on their own and should not be approached on a whim. When they are aligned, they provide a wonderful elixir of inspiration, security and comfort. When they are not, chaos, pain and bitterness ensue. I have learned my own areas of excel and countered with areas where extensive healing is still required. More than that though, I have found footing for SxLvTlk's tagline: Know Your Grey. After a brief definition, I'll offer 8 points of clarity, one for each missed week and hopefully, my learning will square us.
Know Your Grey commands people to be active participants in their lovelife journeys. Since there are few absolutes, due to the changing nature of people and the life stages they occupy, being able to blend the nuances of one's non-negotiables (blacks) with one's hopes and desires(whites) can provide a healthy and particular mix of options (greys) by which to live and love.
During the course of my rendezvous, I found myself unable to answer certain questions. This was primarily due to the newness of the interaction and the incredible uniqueness of its dynamic. I didn't know my grey because I had to learn it. While that may seem incredibly simple, it wasn't. I'd brought my whole self to the experience. My power, weakness, vulnerability, desires, joy, frustrations, indecisiveness, familial longings, spiritual incarnation objectives...you name it. I never thought, much less considered that All of that was not necessarily called for, much less requested. That lead me to underscore a point I'd respected but had not adopted,
1. Have the courage to be cautious. My pattern had been to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go, a modified "strike while the iron is hot"approach, if you will. While action is wonderful, assessment is crucial. Sara Ban Breathnach, author of Something More, recommends three nights of sleep before making any major decision. Not doing this helped me remain insecure and somewhat reluctant. This lack of resolution hung so heavily on me that my partner was drowning in it which countered all efforts to reassure me of the truth of the love match. Hearing firm, but gentle and loving tones turn angry and accusatory was overwhelming and painful but I couldn't turn the tide back to balance on my own because I was not full or certain on my own.
2. Move from a place of compassion, not possession. I could very easily move from a place of blame and bitterness, but my experiences are precisely about that, me. With that, a simple fixed point, one's own True North must be maintained. If it is truly about love, I have to think about the other person and share experiences rather than seeking to own the right to create one.
3. Know how to maintain your wonder. There were moments when my beloved's touch brought my soul a peace I'd Never known prior but there were other moments when I felt a thick presence surrounding me that refused to let me breathe. My chest would get heavy, my breathing would shallow. I knew something shifted, and big. With that I knew I wasn't the Beautiful I'd come to love myself for and as. I'd developed systems and mini-rituals to keep myself strong however, my regularity and discipline with practice fell almost away. The saving grace for me came in the form of a trip to the desert. I KNEW the heat, sun and distance would give me what I needed to clear my head, cleanse my hands and brighten my spirit. I came back home with myself, as myself. Accepting responsibility for my missteps, speaking my truth, and
4. Accepting the consequence of the choice. No one forced me to push past what I thought was sensible and healthy. I knew there was great love and affection, however, I had not estimated or balanced the strength of the bond of friendship. In my excitement and desire, I ignored a major recommendation I often cite,
5. Invest four seasons before making a commitment. This arrogance or naievete (depending on one's outlook) highlights the beauty and brutal balance of life. Regardless of one's belief or practice,
6. No one is above Universal Law, the scales will always find the balance they deem appropriate whether it levels out or tips to one side. The guru I studied under introduced me to this concept. Alignment is a crucial point to remember and we are created with certain self-defense mechanisms we often do not consult and take for granted. She also introduced me to the next point, which is important to anyone who considers themselves spiritual,
7. The mind is the gateway to the heart. In the case of my love, this experience exposed to me a flawed premise I didn't know I'd ingrained in myself; Love involves Pain. A premise I have longed to discard. A teaching I have longed to understand, Nothing can last that is corrupt at its base without utilizing more creativity than its worth, became relevant because the point itself became a loggerhead. I'd be yelling, "flow" while my Darling would be yelling, "work". Our values and desires were not aligned and so we lived out our karma. Llikewise, the mind serves as a protection when we allow it to. I could have allowed my gateway to serve as the point on how to proceed but I allowed my idea of possibility to propel me into motion. I don't regret this, because if I had to do it over, I would do it again, I would just use a different methodology.
With all of this, I know for me, Spiritual Practice, Sharing and the not running from shame and scandal are imperative parts of my process. This comprises my 8th point,
8. Embrace all parts of yourself, WITHOUT apology, particularly since many others are seeking reasons not to accept the validity of your presence, wisdom and majesty; preferring instead to have reasons to set themselves above you. Judgement is much more satisfying than integrity and exposure. Boldness often causes the timid to buckle, though this is alright too, , because it is only a matter of time before life offers opportunity to progress, all of it, is a process.
To loving your nuances and learning your grey! Be Yourself!
SxLvTlk
SxLvTlk: Know Your Grey
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
A Proper Diet
I went on a date Sunday. A real date. Man picks woman up at her house, Woman comes downstairs, Man opens car door, Man and Woman dine, Man pays tab, Woman leaves tip (I believe in Cooperation), Man and Woman go to bookstore, Man drives Woman home, Woman thanks Man for Beautiful evening. Man and Woman Good-Night Kiss. Man says,"I'll call you." Woman smiles and responds, "Alright." Woman goes to her domicile, prepares for rest and Dreams Sweetly. Man calls, bbms, texts and Woman wonders, "What the heck did I do so differently to have such a Wonderful Evening when I've been 0 for 3 this year?" Reflective silence. Woman realizes a minute detail...She looked inside her soul one day and said, "What do I like that agrees with my constitution?" She remembered her diet and stuck to it. Simple.
2011. I'd promised myself that this year would be the year I accepted nothing less than the best from Myself. I decided to really focus on goals and their fulfillment, to be selective about the energies I entertained and to be honest about placement and worthiness. I promised I would eat properly, maintain my spirit properly and respect my instincts, feelings and sensibilities. When life presented situations that required acknowledgment and attention, I would comply. No more immediate benefit of the doubt, no more excusing improper behavior and disrespectful treatment. For the most part, I'd done that. In every area except one...guess which?
My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had a beautiful day. Everyone I wanted to hear from called me and all of the wishes I held had come true. My children healthy, my grandmother, and mother, Nana still with me. My dear ones also holding me dear, my Spiritual Court in order and communicating with me. All I could do was say, "Thank You." However, as beautiful as all of this is, I realized I had not taken care of the woman in me. She needed attention too, and all she was being offered was folly.
Initially, I thought it was because I was past my prime, but then I realized it was because I was feeding my heart a diet of processed thoughts and artificial projections. Everything in my life improved other than how I was allowing like, relationship and sensual fulfillment to reveal itself to me. I only realized I was feeding my heart poorly when I noticed how shoddy it looked in comparison to everything else Life, Grace and Self-Effort were revealing, a withering plant in a blossoming garden. I thought about my birthday and although it had passed, I realized I could give my heart a Celebration and in that, rescind the gale of media, naysaying and internalized bashing that had me picking through scraps to find my heart's comfort. I had the perfect opportunity to make myself speak Truth to Power. If I could command my thoughts properly, I would see an immediate change in the world I experienced.
I looked in my closet and threw away clothes that reminded me of slavery, obligation and the expectations of others regarding what a "responsible" woman should wear. I looked in the mirror and instead of shuddering at the sight of new lines and a few grey hairs, I embraced them and found the beauty of my For Real Black Woman. I looked at my pouch and realized it was not too far gone to reflect the zest and enthusiasm I felt for the new adventures that await me. But the most powerful thing of all was looking at myself, seeing the Woman before me and objectively asking, "What does a Man that SHE wants to spend time with look like? What does he do for HIMSELF? What does he notice about HER? How do his actions reflect CONCERN for HER rather than solely forwarding his own agenda?" That was the suggestive statement! With that, I had to look at the men requesting audience through a very different scope and quite as quickly had fallen many. Every beautiful word, loving glance and act of tenderness I gave to myself served to massage the reckless nature of my mind. Each picture I held of a memory, favorite song, or occurring event that was masterfully navigated gave me credibility to Myself and allowed me to realize, "You CAN Trust yourself, now. Life has loved you thoroughly enough to undress itself and reveal its unpredictable nature. It has given you enough time to learn how to adapt. There is nothing you can do that will destroy YOU. There is a body of information to sift through, and in your learning you have come to LOVE this Creature before you as though fashioned by the hands of God Himself. This being the case, you hold your soul and happiness precious. Trust your feelings and Judgement, they are Good and Accurate. You Know YOURSELF." With that, I kissed my own soul not from a place of vanity but a place of understanding and with that, Men began to approach and boys returned to the native nothingness from which they came.
Feed your Self properly...
I'll be on the road, but I will be back next week. Enjoy and Bon Appetit!
2011. I'd promised myself that this year would be the year I accepted nothing less than the best from Myself. I decided to really focus on goals and their fulfillment, to be selective about the energies I entertained and to be honest about placement and worthiness. I promised I would eat properly, maintain my spirit properly and respect my instincts, feelings and sensibilities. When life presented situations that required acknowledgment and attention, I would comply. No more immediate benefit of the doubt, no more excusing improper behavior and disrespectful treatment. For the most part, I'd done that. In every area except one...guess which?
My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had a beautiful day. Everyone I wanted to hear from called me and all of the wishes I held had come true. My children healthy, my grandmother, and mother, Nana still with me. My dear ones also holding me dear, my Spiritual Court in order and communicating with me. All I could do was say, "Thank You." However, as beautiful as all of this is, I realized I had not taken care of the woman in me. She needed attention too, and all she was being offered was folly.
Initially, I thought it was because I was past my prime, but then I realized it was because I was feeding my heart a diet of processed thoughts and artificial projections. Everything in my life improved other than how I was allowing like, relationship and sensual fulfillment to reveal itself to me. I only realized I was feeding my heart poorly when I noticed how shoddy it looked in comparison to everything else Life, Grace and Self-Effort were revealing, a withering plant in a blossoming garden. I thought about my birthday and although it had passed, I realized I could give my heart a Celebration and in that, rescind the gale of media, naysaying and internalized bashing that had me picking through scraps to find my heart's comfort. I had the perfect opportunity to make myself speak Truth to Power. If I could command my thoughts properly, I would see an immediate change in the world I experienced.
I looked in my closet and threw away clothes that reminded me of slavery, obligation and the expectations of others regarding what a "responsible" woman should wear. I looked in the mirror and instead of shuddering at the sight of new lines and a few grey hairs, I embraced them and found the beauty of my For Real Black Woman. I looked at my pouch and realized it was not too far gone to reflect the zest and enthusiasm I felt for the new adventures that await me. But the most powerful thing of all was looking at myself, seeing the Woman before me and objectively asking, "What does a Man that SHE wants to spend time with look like? What does he do for HIMSELF? What does he notice about HER? How do his actions reflect CONCERN for HER rather than solely forwarding his own agenda?" That was the suggestive statement! With that, I had to look at the men requesting audience through a very different scope and quite as quickly had fallen many. Every beautiful word, loving glance and act of tenderness I gave to myself served to massage the reckless nature of my mind. Each picture I held of a memory, favorite song, or occurring event that was masterfully navigated gave me credibility to Myself and allowed me to realize, "You CAN Trust yourself, now. Life has loved you thoroughly enough to undress itself and reveal its unpredictable nature. It has given you enough time to learn how to adapt. There is nothing you can do that will destroy YOU. There is a body of information to sift through, and in your learning you have come to LOVE this Creature before you as though fashioned by the hands of God Himself. This being the case, you hold your soul and happiness precious. Trust your feelings and Judgement, they are Good and Accurate. You Know YOURSELF." With that, I kissed my own soul not from a place of vanity but a place of understanding and with that, Men began to approach and boys returned to the native nothingness from which they came.
Feed your Self properly...
I'll be on the road, but I will be back next week. Enjoy and Bon Appetit!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Leveling the Balance
Apologies for the late post, I've been updating this blog on Wednesdays and have been pretty consistent. This week I was kind of in shock at the act of Lashandra Armstrong, the 25 year old mother who drove her minivan into the Hudson River with her 10, 5, 2, year olds and 11 month old daughter in tow. My blood is still a bit thick behind that...May death bring her the peace she didn't find on this plane. To the souls of the children, I simply apologize.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
smashing feet of clay
"And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste, until Allah makes them free from want out of His grace."
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
In Spirit and in Truth
My birthday was a few days ago. I woke up feeling a little weak and woozy. Gone was the instant joy that once oozed from my fingertips on the celebration of my day of birth. I knew I had entered another aspect of life. I have reveled in my mature for the past few years and changed seats. Changed seats? Yes, changed seats. I've gone from sitting cross-legged at the feet of elders and now stand behind them to the right, ready to get for them anything that they might require. I have become a vehicle to bridge standing knowledge with new ideas and forward movement. I like this place and I'm proud to have grown into a daughter whose hands elders will eat from. I appreciate the freshness, potential and courage of youth, as well as see their errors in direction. Fortunately, I have acquired enough stature that I can actually reprimand and make suggestions that will be considered. This is no simple fete. I am thankful for the opportunity to serve and share.
As I get older, I get older. I make plans and consider the implications of these plans. This is a great help in the matter of deciding how I will love henceforth and how I will live said love. There was a time when I evaluated suitors based on income, life station, number of children and level of attractive. As I mature, I realize the things I want and require are actually much simpler than the big hoopla everyone has come to make of this men and mating business. I think of my grandparents and I think about my grandfather. He was not a showy man when I knew him, he was a devoted man. He went to work, helped raise his children, played his numbers and rocked out with his wife. There marriage lasted 69 years, until his death, late last year. They did not have an ideal situation, but I did see them actually grow into love. The strength of their marriage rested on them becoming friends and becoming one another's constant. They developed a deeper love and it had nothing to do with romance.
I want romance, just as much as the next woman, however, I understand romance may not be that which endures for the long haul. People site economics, changing lifestyles, and the excitability of black women among the reasons for the low marriage rates, but I think there is something else that happens and is rarely examined. Part of this something else is the perpetual adolescence black men are encouraged to adopt. I once dated a gentleman who told me he was very happy that he had no child support payments, kept waves in his hair and was still able to stay fresh. This person was 43 years old at the time. I have also been pursued by men in their late 30s who revealed they had felony charges as part of their "g". There is a level of urgency these men do not feel which results in a lack of planning and preparing for the future. This doesn't reflect a lack of love of black women. It does demonstrate a lack of self love and a large degree of uncertainty in regard to the future. While I don't advocate any woman becoming a savior for these kinds of men, I do step back and acknowledge that something has to change in regard to how black boys are being grown.
I have two sons and I want them to be good men. Plain and simple. With this, I understand the responsibility I have in helping them be that. I make them do chores, but I also speak to them about women, about friendship, about being able to take care of themselves, about people who care for them and how real friends behave. My hope is that they are able to know who they are from within themselves, and are able to bridge that with who they want to be and will have to become for the world that awaits them. I have created simple steps of accountability in this regard for them and adhere to them as closely as possible.
1. If they fail a grade, summer school, night school, whatever is necessary WILL happen to bring the grade up,
2. If they impregnante someone, they will marry that girl.
3. We discuss rationale behind decisions they make and we discuss the feelings behind what has happened. these are my ways of combating the closed nature many black men seem to carry. As a woman, their mother, I feel this is the best gift I can give them and the world. It is my blessing, and expression of thanks. I've chosen to do it this way because they will at a minimum have a frame of reference to refer to OR ignore. I'm too old to not do this...
As I get older, I get older. I make plans and consider the implications of these plans. This is a great help in the matter of deciding how I will love henceforth and how I will live said love. There was a time when I evaluated suitors based on income, life station, number of children and level of attractive. As I mature, I realize the things I want and require are actually much simpler than the big hoopla everyone has come to make of this men and mating business. I think of my grandparents and I think about my grandfather. He was not a showy man when I knew him, he was a devoted man. He went to work, helped raise his children, played his numbers and rocked out with his wife. There marriage lasted 69 years, until his death, late last year. They did not have an ideal situation, but I did see them actually grow into love. The strength of their marriage rested on them becoming friends and becoming one another's constant. They developed a deeper love and it had nothing to do with romance.
I want romance, just as much as the next woman, however, I understand romance may not be that which endures for the long haul. People site economics, changing lifestyles, and the excitability of black women among the reasons for the low marriage rates, but I think there is something else that happens and is rarely examined. Part of this something else is the perpetual adolescence black men are encouraged to adopt. I once dated a gentleman who told me he was very happy that he had no child support payments, kept waves in his hair and was still able to stay fresh. This person was 43 years old at the time. I have also been pursued by men in their late 30s who revealed they had felony charges as part of their "g". There is a level of urgency these men do not feel which results in a lack of planning and preparing for the future. This doesn't reflect a lack of love of black women. It does demonstrate a lack of self love and a large degree of uncertainty in regard to the future. While I don't advocate any woman becoming a savior for these kinds of men, I do step back and acknowledge that something has to change in regard to how black boys are being grown.
I have two sons and I want them to be good men. Plain and simple. With this, I understand the responsibility I have in helping them be that. I make them do chores, but I also speak to them about women, about friendship, about being able to take care of themselves, about people who care for them and how real friends behave. My hope is that they are able to know who they are from within themselves, and are able to bridge that with who they want to be and will have to become for the world that awaits them. I have created simple steps of accountability in this regard for them and adhere to them as closely as possible.
1. If they fail a grade, summer school, night school, whatever is necessary WILL happen to bring the grade up,
2. If they impregnante someone, they will marry that girl.
3. We discuss rationale behind decisions they make and we discuss the feelings behind what has happened. these are my ways of combating the closed nature many black men seem to carry. As a woman, their mother, I feel this is the best gift I can give them and the world. It is my blessing, and expression of thanks. I've chosen to do it this way because they will at a minimum have a frame of reference to refer to OR ignore. I'm too old to not do this...
Saturday, March 26, 2011
SxLv and Simplicity:Reviving MY Sacred Nature
SxLv and Simplicity was an incredible session. Perphaps one of my favorites so far. I approached the evening from a space of service, joy and clarity. I had but ONE intention, keep command of the discussion: excavate. Don't go off on too many tangents, focus on the topic, and offer Points of Consideration as takeaways. As SxLvTlk grows, I realize there are a few things about it that scare the hell out of me.
One of those things is the highly personal nature of this work, another is the fact that it forces me to examine my own actions and intentions, the biggest fear perhaps is that I absolutely love being used to "Speak the Unspokens" and am surprised when someone is impacted on an inner level by the talk. Its incredible to me. Every time someone says,"Thank You" I am amazed. Probably because I know the Oshun and Yemaya of it. (I refer to Oshun as the party and Yemaya as the work to make the party happen if I'm at a loss for a really quick and dirty explanation of these powers.)
Insights I gained from the last session, incredibly lively and profound were the following:
1. Each person's experience, while unique to them, contains overlapping qualities that allow for group consenus, this helps gauge validity of challenges and moments of triumph.
2. Love IS absolutely alive and wanted in the Black & Brown community, but some of us have wandered a bit off course from the family/community building part,
3. We may need to return to Courtship and Counsel before we make any irreversible lovechoices.
With that, this past week forced me to examine incongruence between my "Ms. Sherry" and my "Black Woman working to have the life she desires and deserves." I have made firm decisions regarding where I want to be in regard to life and love projects. I have identified my perfect him, I have even written my list and re-defined my non-negotiables. I have maintained a vibrational frequency to which he must resonate in order to not only find me, but keep my attention long enough to curry my favor.
Why then has every other energy found a way to contact me and request not only conversation, but audience?
Initially, I thought it was because the Creator didn't agree with my decision and was presenting other options for me to explore. I investigated the energies and upon conclusion of said investigations, I laughed. I realized there were areas I have grown in and certain things, I just cannot entertain. I am definitely on a different road. The love projects I take on at this point, have to match and compliment the woman I am and become. They must be pure and simple. Through this, I can call the sacred. THAT is what i strive to achieve in my love. While this is different, THIS is what builds self, supports the beloved and lays foundation for longevity. I have experienced bright bursts of ecstasy that have burned out mostly due to my inability to bend love's lens toward an angle that would refract rather than reflect or diffuse luminosity. I now stretch my arms wide and trust my vision and judgment so that prisms find me and turn my white light into rainbows.
I no longer place the responsibility for my happiness on others and have trained myself in the feeling of happiness, purpose and joy. As I fail to get the responses that provide me with encouragement to proceed, I actively search for the good in this regard. I was expecting a call that didn't come for some time. Anxiety began to set in and I refused to let my emotions push me into a tailspin of explosive reaction. What I did do was, search my mind for all the examples I knew that invalidated my anxiety and gave myself a "spoonful of sugar". While my emotions said, "The call hasn't come because he doesn't want us," my mind shot back, "NO. God has given us someone who loves us to the degree that he makes sure he is in alignment with his best self before he shares our company." This was no small task. After 3 failed long-term relationships I was left with incredible doubts regarding my desirability and womanhood. Particulary wondering about the proverbial "they"; "I know "they" think I can't keep a man.", "I know they probably wonder what's wrong with me.", "They probably think I'm loose," and while this may or may not be true, it isn't "their" responsibility to make my life work, it's mine.
These worries didn't serve me well, nor did they get me to the place I needed to be to see the changes I made manifest. I kept not only my new train of thought, but also the memories of the innocence that welled up in me when I thought of the caller, and the giggles he drew out of me. He called up my girl and in her lives my faith in what is possible...she is the dreamer of me. I had to challenge my internal "they" and strengthen my resolve to build Me, with this...I could forge new tools to lay new roads to walk upon. Lesson?
Keep it simple. The big things we want: good health, financial security, loving mates, productive, innovative children are created from the small choices we make. Consistently check your perspective, challenge your negative, self-protective thoughts. Trust your instincts and your growth. You won't make the same mistakes if you've been paying attention. Appreciate the opportunity to learn, grow and change. The blessing of Simplicity is its pure access to the gateway of the Sacred.
One of those things is the highly personal nature of this work, another is the fact that it forces me to examine my own actions and intentions, the biggest fear perhaps is that I absolutely love being used to "Speak the Unspokens" and am surprised when someone is impacted on an inner level by the talk. Its incredible to me. Every time someone says,"Thank You" I am amazed. Probably because I know the Oshun and Yemaya of it. (I refer to Oshun as the party and Yemaya as the work to make the party happen if I'm at a loss for a really quick and dirty explanation of these powers.)
Insights I gained from the last session, incredibly lively and profound were the following:
1. Each person's experience, while unique to them, contains overlapping qualities that allow for group consenus, this helps gauge validity of challenges and moments of triumph.
2. Love IS absolutely alive and wanted in the Black & Brown community, but some of us have wandered a bit off course from the family/community building part,
3. We may need to return to Courtship and Counsel before we make any irreversible lovechoices.
With that, this past week forced me to examine incongruence between my "Ms. Sherry" and my "Black Woman working to have the life she desires and deserves." I have made firm decisions regarding where I want to be in regard to life and love projects. I have identified my perfect him, I have even written my list and re-defined my non-negotiables. I have maintained a vibrational frequency to which he must resonate in order to not only find me, but keep my attention long enough to curry my favor.
Why then has every other energy found a way to contact me and request not only conversation, but audience?
Initially, I thought it was because the Creator didn't agree with my decision and was presenting other options for me to explore. I investigated the energies and upon conclusion of said investigations, I laughed. I realized there were areas I have grown in and certain things, I just cannot entertain. I am definitely on a different road. The love projects I take on at this point, have to match and compliment the woman I am and become. They must be pure and simple. Through this, I can call the sacred. THAT is what i strive to achieve in my love. While this is different, THIS is what builds self, supports the beloved and lays foundation for longevity. I have experienced bright bursts of ecstasy that have burned out mostly due to my inability to bend love's lens toward an angle that would refract rather than reflect or diffuse luminosity. I now stretch my arms wide and trust my vision and judgment so that prisms find me and turn my white light into rainbows.
I no longer place the responsibility for my happiness on others and have trained myself in the feeling of happiness, purpose and joy. As I fail to get the responses that provide me with encouragement to proceed, I actively search for the good in this regard. I was expecting a call that didn't come for some time. Anxiety began to set in and I refused to let my emotions push me into a tailspin of explosive reaction. What I did do was, search my mind for all the examples I knew that invalidated my anxiety and gave myself a "spoonful of sugar". While my emotions said, "The call hasn't come because he doesn't want us," my mind shot back, "NO. God has given us someone who loves us to the degree that he makes sure he is in alignment with his best self before he shares our company." This was no small task. After 3 failed long-term relationships I was left with incredible doubts regarding my desirability and womanhood. Particulary wondering about the proverbial "they"; "I know "they" think I can't keep a man.", "I know they probably wonder what's wrong with me.", "They probably think I'm loose," and while this may or may not be true, it isn't "their" responsibility to make my life work, it's mine.
These worries didn't serve me well, nor did they get me to the place I needed to be to see the changes I made manifest. I kept not only my new train of thought, but also the memories of the innocence that welled up in me when I thought of the caller, and the giggles he drew out of me. He called up my girl and in her lives my faith in what is possible...she is the dreamer of me. I had to challenge my internal "they" and strengthen my resolve to build Me, with this...I could forge new tools to lay new roads to walk upon. Lesson?
Keep it simple. The big things we want: good health, financial security, loving mates, productive, innovative children are created from the small choices we make. Consistently check your perspective, challenge your negative, self-protective thoughts. Trust your instincts and your growth. You won't make the same mistakes if you've been paying attention. Appreciate the opportunity to learn, grow and change. The blessing of Simplicity is its pure access to the gateway of the Sacred.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Getting Better With Time
Thanks to Romeyer. A beautiful woman who had the gumption to check this site only to find it hadn't been updated and had no new information on what SxLvTlk was doing or how it was progressing. My first paragraph has to be dedicated to apology, and apology without excuse. RuthWorks Talk & Training has been in existence for nearly three years and I have yet to list a calendar of events. This perhaps due to fear, an assumed lack of interest, and on occasion, fleeting commitment. Romeyer's diligence and ability to be vocal about it, has pushed me to a place of understanding AND accepting the responsibility of being a person with an agenda, who has used various platforms to communicate that agenda to a circle larger than my own mind and thoughts. March seems to be when I get the energy to create and move forward. Perhaps because it is my birth month, perhaps because it is when Spring occurs, in any event, this is my renewed commitment to regularity and becoming a constant in the now saturated realm of relationship "experts".
I am not a relationship expert. I am a Black Love Advocate. This, is the only disclaimer I will offer in regard to Black Love: No, I do not have anything against other races, ethnic groups, creeds- I only offer Black as a point of origin. It has been long established that Black is the first human color created (go back to History class and the Mesopotamian "Eve", or science class tracing Black Woman as the Mother of Civilization.) With this, the cause I champion is that of Black/Brown Love and Family as those are groups I see hardest hit in the areas of family stability and youth achievement. I am somewhat lovestruck in that regard, wondering always how to inspire youth to their highest potential, and understanding that the love between Black Men and Women is the battery that will propel progress, innovation and accomplishment.
Now, SxLvTlk is happening on this Saturday, March 19, 2011 in Mount Vernon. The topic is SxLv and Simplicity. In researching, I have found courtship rituals from the Ancients, however, courtship rituals for the Black American South are difficult to come by. Courtship rituals for the current day and age are extremely varied and seem to be a mish-mosh of everything else. I understand in theory that is what makes up the allure of America, it's ability to be a "melting pot" or as my 11th grade History teacher, Mr. Chustek called it, "a mixing bowl", however, this lack of system and overall community is keeping us at a disadvantage- thus making forums like SxLvTlk -Together Apart-Steve Harvey and everyone else the safe spaces people turn to as they search for the magic bullet to a happy, successful relationship.
SxLvTlk doesn't offer that. SxLvTlk offers a space to explore possibility, a forum to identify one's own lovestyle and needs that encompass that. Our ONLY objective is to help people get honest about what they need so they can be honest and stop choosing inappropriate partners. This will decrease STD/HIV infection rates, unwanted pregnancies and overall broken hearts. This I offer with the prayer of my own heart, to find my truths, receive the Divine Selection for my body and soul and through my own inability to continue living dishonestly allow others the strength of their own convictions, and courage to cross their own thresholds. In Spirit and Truth. Thank You Romeyer
I am not a relationship expert. I am a Black Love Advocate. This, is the only disclaimer I will offer in regard to Black Love: No, I do not have anything against other races, ethnic groups, creeds- I only offer Black as a point of origin. It has been long established that Black is the first human color created (go back to History class and the Mesopotamian "Eve", or science class tracing Black Woman as the Mother of Civilization.) With this, the cause I champion is that of Black/Brown Love and Family as those are groups I see hardest hit in the areas of family stability and youth achievement. I am somewhat lovestruck in that regard, wondering always how to inspire youth to their highest potential, and understanding that the love between Black Men and Women is the battery that will propel progress, innovation and accomplishment.
Now, SxLvTlk is happening on this Saturday, March 19, 2011 in Mount Vernon. The topic is SxLv and Simplicity. In researching, I have found courtship rituals from the Ancients, however, courtship rituals for the Black American South are difficult to come by. Courtship rituals for the current day and age are extremely varied and seem to be a mish-mosh of everything else. I understand in theory that is what makes up the allure of America, it's ability to be a "melting pot" or as my 11th grade History teacher, Mr. Chustek called it, "a mixing bowl", however, this lack of system and overall community is keeping us at a disadvantage- thus making forums like SxLvTlk -Together Apart-Steve Harvey and everyone else the safe spaces people turn to as they search for the magic bullet to a happy, successful relationship.
SxLvTlk doesn't offer that. SxLvTlk offers a space to explore possibility, a forum to identify one's own lovestyle and needs that encompass that. Our ONLY objective is to help people get honest about what they need so they can be honest and stop choosing inappropriate partners. This will decrease STD/HIV infection rates, unwanted pregnancies and overall broken hearts. This I offer with the prayer of my own heart, to find my truths, receive the Divine Selection for my body and soul and through my own inability to continue living dishonestly allow others the strength of their own convictions, and courage to cross their own thresholds. In Spirit and Truth. Thank You Romeyer
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