There were many moments when I asked myself, "Why not be with that man? He really cares about you." More often than not, I knew that the relationship I had with him revolved around a meeting of the minds moreso than any kind of ardor. I am the first to admit that in my vast mental world, I am well and easily understood. It seems however, that this is not the case. I've always thought of myself as "one of the guys". I am starting to believe that I am the only one who sees me as such. (I promise you, "How the Hawk Learned of Men's Treachery" should be required reading.) As always, when I am in the middle of a transformation and stand at the crossroads, something happens that tilts the balance. This time, my heart leaned in a direction that didn't necessarily surprise me, but made me understand what it was that I truly desired.
My little niece Trevilyn has made my life a beautiful paradise. She is the sum total of her mother's desire and her father's devotion to his family. I have longed for something similar, or so I thought. I learned that this was not necessarily what I wanted when the offer for the very same thing was placed at my feet, just about on bended knee. I looked at everything, wrapped in a big bow and said, "No, thank you." This was not because there was anything wrong with the person offering. It was just because I knew that something was missing. When I held my niece, I knew that I had made the correct choice.
"A blessing of the Lord maketh thee rich and there is no sorrow in it." This line has always been one of the Scripture Tidbits kept close to my heart. It means that if something is truly good, and truly meant for you as a part of your highest Manifestion of the Creator in you, it will add, not take away from your life. For me, playing around was almost a given. Playing around? No, not like that, but playing around understanding that I was moving in directions that were not necessarily conducive to my growth. Being with people to simply pass time, fill voids of lonliness, grasping at straws, semi-frustrated wondering, "Is this all that love/life/the journey has to offer?" In my soul, often, I thought of that scripture and it gave me the encouragement and conviction necessary to cut off unfruitful associations and when I could not cut them off, it gave me what I needed so that I would not grieve unnecessarily long. Hurt and bruised, but not broken, and if broken, not to the degree that the rend could not be mended. I am thankful that I paid attention in Sunday School. Then, something truly amazing happened. I surrendered.
I know that I've spoken of surrender in prior posts, but there is a complete and utter release that takes place that doesn't revolve around acquiesence, fear or frustration. This type of surrender is the one that allows true change to take place. When we come to a place where we can simply say, "No. I'm not doing that because it doesn't feel right" but can walk about with a sense of completion and happiness, anyway, THAT is when the "Love and Light of Grace" can truly descend upon us. This openness, widens the road for transformation. How do we know that we have truly changed/surrendered? Something happens to test/rock your conviction and life stands as witness to your response.
That man, who had served as my "go-to guy" for important things- bemoaning a lost love, accompanying me and the children to a mandatory outing, helping to pay the occasional bill was always very clear about my placement in my growth & grieving. I had never promised him an eternity, but I did make it wonderfully clear that he was a member of my inner circle. With that, perhaps he stayed around thinking that I would recognize his greatness, support and glory and was willing to "wait in the wings" until I came to my good senses. That day, I knew probably was not going to come. Why? For me, sensibility and sensuality were not mutually exclusive.
We had a run-in recently wherein I felt particularly betrayed, but I'm thinking that he must have felt that same sense of betrayal every time we had spent a wonderful two or three days together from sun-up to sun-down, full of laughter, and companionship only to hear me talk about "some other dude" I was diggin' on. Perspective and placement have often been challenges for me. My operating mode being, "If I'm honest about my intentions I don't have to be concerned with his. That's his issue." But it is, if I am looking out of the all-seeing eye, a bit lop-sided. Knowing that the desire is not one of friendship alone, and moreso one of investment and awaiting a return, I do/did have an obligation not to foster that environment-cultivating soil for seeds that would never be planted. I spoke of treachery but no betrayal is that sudden.
Sometimes feigned ignorance sharpens the blade we find placed in our backs. Be mindful and make moves that you can stand behind, make moves for which you are prepared to accept the consequences for whether they be positive or challenging. Blessings.
