And when she came into the room
it was clear Anger and bitter were
very much companions she had come
to cherish
Judgment was her name though she
too afraid to live clung to all the
past hurts and traumas Claiming them
to be the reason she was thoroughly
inappropriate in the
NOW
Anxiety in the chest of all around her
until they realized they were in the
presence of one who truly did not
trust herself or the God she claimed
to serve to direct her life
Much easier to pretend and be lovely
in visage as opposed to being love
as its Very Self
If I ever chose to truly give back the "nasty" that people have decided to serve, I do think they would think i had flipped my corker. I watch the latitude people take in expressing their opinions and I watch the folly of their own existences. In one breath it is said, "I would like to see you..." in the next breath there is always an inherent heaviness in the air that prevents anything substantial from occurring. I realize that in this all faces are only varied manifestations of the one thing: Love. Should I choose to see anything else, I will paralyze both myself and my chances.
How be it that one might negate the flow of goodness? Simply, by seeing the foul stenches of action rather than reveling in the fragrant scents of intention. That which we focus on most will absolutely overcome all adversarial energies coming to test our mettle, if we choose to focus on the best of it all. There is no shame in error. None are perfect and it is indeed, word, and spirit our job to watch the drama rather than to get caught up in the scenes of it.
I have longed to have the approval of a certain person. I realize that this person has never simply looked at me, but thoroughly attempted to examine me and pick my wonder apart. It is so clear that they are unable to figure out the grace that flows in my world and through my life. This being the case, one would think that I have the upper hand in this dynamic and therefore sail through the silliness of it very simply. I do not. This person is merely a reflection of my own inner critic and has floundered back and forth between gaining and losing ground as I design myself over and over again. The interesting part of the dynamic comes in the form of when this energy has the ability to impact me most. The very vulnerable parts of myself are usually under fire via this person and I now realize that this is a dragon that I will indeed have to slay at some point. White flags withstanding, there is always a level on which I will NOT be approved of by this person and I have to accept this as a fact.
When we are close to reaching our ultimate goals, the hardest things for us to overcome reveal themselves in a very big way. I have long wanted everyone to like me, not tolerate me, but like me. This is certainly unrealistic, but how often does logic factor into our childhood emotional needs being met? Rarely. "Why doesn't she like me? I never did anything to her." has been a consistent refrain for me. The truth of this however is much simpler: Why do I give a da*n?
This is one of those relationships where my lesson is to become the embodiment of "Your opinion of me is none of my business." I realize that the problems here come when I am feeling inadequate and saddened, guilty and wrong. The judgement I receive from this person is the judgement I am inwardly casting upon myself. It is not rooted in love for the Creator, which is Love for the Self. Love is always the Truth. Anything else is Air and Bullsh*t. Hold on to the Truth. Nothing changes the Divinity of who you are, no one else is able to stand between You and your God. Keep your eyes looking Upward and Inward rather than outward. Hold Truth, not Appearance. It's all Love, even when it doesn't look like it. Blessings.
