I went on a date Sunday. A real date. Man picks woman up at her house, Woman comes downstairs, Man opens car door, Man and Woman dine, Man pays tab, Woman leaves tip (I believe in Cooperation), Man and Woman go to bookstore, Man drives Woman home, Woman thanks Man for Beautiful evening. Man and Woman Good-Night Kiss. Man says,"I'll call you." Woman smiles and responds, "Alright." Woman goes to her domicile, prepares for rest and Dreams Sweetly. Man calls, bbms, texts and Woman wonders, "What the heck did I do so differently to have such a Wonderful Evening when I've been 0 for 3 this year?" Reflective silence. Woman realizes a minute detail...She looked inside her soul one day and said, "What do I like that agrees with my constitution?" She remembered her diet and stuck to it. Simple.
2011. I'd promised myself that this year would be the year I accepted nothing less than the best from Myself. I decided to really focus on goals and their fulfillment, to be selective about the energies I entertained and to be honest about placement and worthiness. I promised I would eat properly, maintain my spirit properly and respect my instincts, feelings and sensibilities. When life presented situations that required acknowledgment and attention, I would comply. No more immediate benefit of the doubt, no more excusing improper behavior and disrespectful treatment. For the most part, I'd done that. In every area except one...guess which?
My birthday was a few weeks ago and I had a beautiful day. Everyone I wanted to hear from called me and all of the wishes I held had come true. My children healthy, my grandmother, and mother, Nana still with me. My dear ones also holding me dear, my Spiritual Court in order and communicating with me. All I could do was say, "Thank You." However, as beautiful as all of this is, I realized I had not taken care of the woman in me. She needed attention too, and all she was being offered was folly.
Initially, I thought it was because I was past my prime, but then I realized it was because I was feeding my heart a diet of processed thoughts and artificial projections. Everything in my life improved other than how I was allowing like, relationship and sensual fulfillment to reveal itself to me. I only realized I was feeding my heart poorly when I noticed how shoddy it looked in comparison to everything else Life, Grace and Self-Effort were revealing, a withering plant in a blossoming garden. I thought about my birthday and although it had passed, I realized I could give my heart a Celebration and in that, rescind the gale of media, naysaying and internalized bashing that had me picking through scraps to find my heart's comfort. I had the perfect opportunity to make myself speak Truth to Power. If I could command my thoughts properly, I would see an immediate change in the world I experienced.
I looked in my closet and threw away clothes that reminded me of slavery, obligation and the expectations of others regarding what a "responsible" woman should wear. I looked in the mirror and instead of shuddering at the sight of new lines and a few grey hairs, I embraced them and found the beauty of my For Real Black Woman. I looked at my pouch and realized it was not too far gone to reflect the zest and enthusiasm I felt for the new adventures that await me. But the most powerful thing of all was looking at myself, seeing the Woman before me and objectively asking, "What does a Man that SHE wants to spend time with look like? What does he do for HIMSELF? What does he notice about HER? How do his actions reflect CONCERN for HER rather than solely forwarding his own agenda?" That was the suggestive statement! With that, I had to look at the men requesting audience through a very different scope and quite as quickly had fallen many. Every beautiful word, loving glance and act of tenderness I gave to myself served to massage the reckless nature of my mind. Each picture I held of a memory, favorite song, or occurring event that was masterfully navigated gave me credibility to Myself and allowed me to realize, "You CAN Trust yourself, now. Life has loved you thoroughly enough to undress itself and reveal its unpredictable nature. It has given you enough time to learn how to adapt. There is nothing you can do that will destroy YOU. There is a body of information to sift through, and in your learning you have come to LOVE this Creature before you as though fashioned by the hands of God Himself. This being the case, you hold your soul and happiness precious. Trust your feelings and Judgement, they are Good and Accurate. You Know YOURSELF." With that, I kissed my own soul not from a place of vanity but a place of understanding and with that, Men began to approach and boys returned to the native nothingness from which they came.
Feed your Self properly...
I'll be on the road, but I will be back next week. Enjoy and Bon Appetit!
SxLvTlk
SxLvTlk: Know Your Grey
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Leveling the Balance
Apologies for the late post, I've been updating this blog on Wednesdays and have been pretty consistent. This week I was kind of in shock at the act of Lashandra Armstrong, the 25 year old mother who drove her minivan into the Hudson River with her 10, 5, 2, year olds and 11 month old daughter in tow. My blood is still a bit thick behind that...May death bring her the peace she didn't find on this plane. To the souls of the children, I simply apologize.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
SxLvTlk: Leveling the Balance of Unequal Yokes, held on April 9, 2011 was an eye-opener for me. Thank you to Ankti & Sobek for couching. Thanks to Wifey's Cuisine for the open buffet. Thanks to the participants, the regulars and those who were just, "checking out the scene." Some of the memorable moments for me were placed on the Word Wall and many of them were offered by the brothers:
"The attraction is so strong, you don't hear what's coming out of the person's mouth. "
"There is a constant power struggle between the man and woman. He is a hunter."
"Core values are shown, not told, check who he is and don't compromise your core."
"Women need to be decisive and keep guard of your heart."
"Know your non-negotiables." These statements surprised me because they seemed to be an admission of men stating they are adept at getting women to compromise themselves and sacrifice what they truly want in an effort to "catch" a man. They also seemed to be saying men WANT women to tell them , "No" and "I'm not going for that." While many women feel the moments bits of themselves begin to slip away, they don't stop the downward spiral until they are either run into the ground and are forced to concede defeat, or they continue for hope that one day things will turn around and "he" will realize how down for him they actually are. The brothers said, that, rarely happens.
Not to be discouraged however, they did offer some other tidbits:
"It's less about process and more about understanding."
"Ask yourself if you would die for them." and when things don't go well and a moment of clarity is reached, "Forgive yourself, that is the only way you will be able to forgive anyone else." This all to say, most of the times, we are very clear that some attractions have no other purpose than to delight our senses and during those moments of realization we should simply enjoy the experience and understand that We are the Gift we give to Others.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
smashing feet of clay
"And let those who cannot find a match keep chaste, until Allah makes them free from want out of His grace."
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
Quran 24:33
In spite of what anyone says, the ego can be a blessing. Although it gets a bad rap in these days of receptivity to the opinions of others to help us improve. The self-defense mechanism of the ego can be extremely powerful in helping to keep us safe. I have been in the throes of a "wished for". I met a man of a certain age, we began to speak, found one another attractive and could see a possible future together. Though there were some pretty basic concerns, financial, cultural, religio-spiritual, we still found the thought of exploring our undeniable attraction intriguing and fun. For me, this lasted until he objectified my femininity.
We had a conversation and referred to me as "that." Instantly, I was offended. I quipped and he was in tune with me enough to catch my shift, instantly. "Have I made you upset?" I told him I was more frustrated than upset and he covered it up with not wanting to lead me on. I do not like hearing , "No." The graceful receipt of rejection has never been my strong point. I tantrum and I defense. The conversation ended with me saying,"I don't like how you're treating me. I'm too fine for this." Exit? That I can do gracefully.
I'd asked myself, "What do you want in a mate?" and I had the good sense to maintain a journal to revisit and hold myself accountable. After I spoke with my favorite "Ms. Sherry" advocates, I had to face some serious truths. I do it, I think most people do it. When love/desire for sex/relationship is unrequited, rarely do we look within, rarely do we ask questions about ourselves or the reality that is placed before us.
Prior to the objectification, there had been declarations of incompetence and incompatibility as per life stations. However, I did not follow my own good sense and pushed my fantasy of possible. in the words of my mother's favorite quote by Iyanla VanZant, "Potential means you ain't doin' nothing now." After looking in the mirror my ElderBrother refused to let my gaze stray from, I had to laugh, simply because I knew I could blame no one for my choice. He chose not to want me, I chose not to go away. A few profound truths came from this conversation:
1. I have to cherish my freedom,
2. I am the Gift I give to others,
3. My personal frame of reference for manhood is incredibly skewed.
I realized, this man reminded me incredibly of my grandfather. He was even really quiet and black like him. My grandfather died in October and I didn't realize how much I really missed him or the nature of the relationship we shared. We didn't speak much, he didn't give me many jewels of wisdom, but he was always around and he always let me come home. His way of acknowledging me was to say things like, "Don't forget where you live" and he always made me feel special through his responses, i.e. he would eat food my grandmother and I made because he knew she had taught me how to cook, would jump in his car and come get me when stranded at parties, driving me to school Monday mornings because I wanted to stay late on Sunday nights. Although I didn't realize it, these things left a huge imprint on me. My loving has often consisted of simply being satisfied with a man's presence. I didn't ask for much, and I rarely complained, no matter how unhappy I may have been with a situation or outcome. I didn't hear him tell me he loved me until I was a grown woman with three children of my own. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, I know how to love on scraps. I can rock a LoveFast. I can take morsels of interest, attention and service and live on them for incredible amounts of time.
The other truths I acknowledged were the fact that I was very ready to take on the weight of carrying my life and his, thus problem-solving for this person. He NEVER asked for my assistance. I was quite willing to coach, mentor, teach (read: ENABLE) him through his challenges to help him reach his spoken life objectives. I chose that, and I think many people do that, women moreso than men, simply due to our nature to be nurturing. I'd also forgotten that, in the words Zora Neale Hurston cited from the country folk, " Just as I am, I am a Precious Gift." If anyone doesn't see the value or feels they are unworthy to receive it, they aren't. It really is that simple. The difficult part is accepting simplicity. Its much more appealing to stomp, finger-point and be bitter. I however, have lived too much truth to still have that luxury.
The power that resulted from uncovering these truths is the fact that what I have professed to believe and sought to learn are serving me well. The people I have chosen to love and surround me have become part of my soul, pieces of armor that prevent me from suffering too much damage to my vital organs. They love me enough not to be afraid of my rants or anger. They respect me enough to say, "Flip it," and "Why would you pick that? What are YOU afraid of? Surely you know this doesn't fit you." With that, I HAD to go deeper and I had to walk in the darkness of my heart to reach the Sunlight of my mind. The sun however, hardened the clay of my false idol and this allowed me to knock it off of the pedestal, proving my hammer and chisel to be true, but also proving my progress. A month of fantasy is certainly less painful than a year or five. I love spreading my toes in sand, pressing them into earth and squeezing them into stilettos. They keep me upright and bend and cannot be directed by any command other than my Own. Blessings.
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