It's been three months and two days since I last posted. Love has officially tossed me on my derriere. I am still in my grieving process however, I am in that awkward space of happy memory, disappointment and accepting that this, is "for the best." So, I ask that you all, who do sneak and read this blog forgive me my humanity and understand that, I too, am in process. That being said, let's push forward.
Life and Love asked me to show them what, if anything, I'd truly learned. The last few SxLvTlks have centered around the various manifestations of contrast. In April, we discussed Unequal Yokes, May took us to a place of trying to create alignment between words and feelings and June spun us around various takes regarding What Men Say and What Women Hear. My biggest learning in this in NOT to be afraid of failing, particularly since it leads to learning.
Love, Attraction and Sex are powerful entities on their own and should not be approached on a whim. When they are aligned, they provide a wonderful elixir of inspiration, security and comfort. When they are not, chaos, pain and bitterness ensue. I have learned my own areas of excel and countered with areas where extensive healing is still required. More than that though, I have found footing for SxLvTlk's tagline: Know Your Grey. After a brief definition, I'll offer 8 points of clarity, one for each missed week and hopefully, my learning will square us.
Know Your Grey commands people to be active participants in their lovelife journeys. Since there are few absolutes, due to the changing nature of people and the life stages they occupy, being able to blend the nuances of one's non-negotiables (blacks) with one's hopes and desires(whites) can provide a healthy and particular mix of options (greys) by which to live and love.
During the course of my rendezvous, I found myself unable to answer certain questions. This was primarily due to the newness of the interaction and the incredible uniqueness of its dynamic. I didn't know my grey because I had to learn it. While that may seem incredibly simple, it wasn't. I'd brought my whole self to the experience. My power, weakness, vulnerability, desires, joy, frustrations, indecisiveness, familial longings, spiritual incarnation objectives...you name it. I never thought, much less considered that All of that was not necessarily called for, much less requested. That lead me to underscore a point I'd respected but had not adopted,
1. Have the courage to be cautious. My pattern had been to jump in with both feet and figure it out as I go, a modified "strike while the iron is hot"approach, if you will. While action is wonderful, assessment is crucial. Sara Ban Breathnach, author of Something More, recommends three nights of sleep before making any major decision. Not doing this helped me remain insecure and somewhat reluctant. This lack of resolution hung so heavily on me that my partner was drowning in it which countered all efforts to reassure me of the truth of the love match. Hearing firm, but gentle and loving tones turn angry and accusatory was overwhelming and painful but I couldn't turn the tide back to balance on my own because I was not full or certain on my own.
2. Move from a place of compassion, not possession. I could very easily move from a place of blame and bitterness, but my experiences are precisely about that, me. With that, a simple fixed point, one's own True North must be maintained. If it is truly about love, I have to think about the other person and share experiences rather than seeking to own the right to create one.
3. Know how to maintain your wonder. There were moments when my beloved's touch brought my soul a peace I'd Never known prior but there were other moments when I felt a thick presence surrounding me that refused to let me breathe. My chest would get heavy, my breathing would shallow. I knew something shifted, and big. With that I knew I wasn't the Beautiful I'd come to love myself for and as. I'd developed systems and mini-rituals to keep myself strong however, my regularity and discipline with practice fell almost away. The saving grace for me came in the form of a trip to the desert. I KNEW the heat, sun and distance would give me what I needed to clear my head, cleanse my hands and brighten my spirit. I came back home with myself, as myself. Accepting responsibility for my missteps, speaking my truth, and
4. Accepting the consequence of the choice. No one forced me to push past what I thought was sensible and healthy. I knew there was great love and affection, however, I had not estimated or balanced the strength of the bond of friendship. In my excitement and desire, I ignored a major recommendation I often cite,
5. Invest four seasons before making a commitment. This arrogance or naievete (depending on one's outlook) highlights the beauty and brutal balance of life. Regardless of one's belief or practice,
6. No one is above Universal Law, the scales will always find the balance they deem appropriate whether it levels out or tips to one side. The guru I studied under introduced me to this concept. Alignment is a crucial point to remember and we are created with certain self-defense mechanisms we often do not consult and take for granted. She also introduced me to the next point, which is important to anyone who considers themselves spiritual,
7. The mind is the gateway to the heart. In the case of my love, this experience exposed to me a flawed premise I didn't know I'd ingrained in myself; Love involves Pain. A premise I have longed to discard. A teaching I have longed to understand, Nothing can last that is corrupt at its base without utilizing more creativity than its worth, became relevant because the point itself became a loggerhead. I'd be yelling, "flow" while my Darling would be yelling, "work". Our values and desires were not aligned and so we lived out our karma. Llikewise, the mind serves as a protection when we allow it to. I could have allowed my gateway to serve as the point on how to proceed but I allowed my idea of possibility to propel me into motion. I don't regret this, because if I had to do it over, I would do it again, I would just use a different methodology.
With all of this, I know for me, Spiritual Practice, Sharing and the not running from shame and scandal are imperative parts of my process. This comprises my 8th point,
8. Embrace all parts of yourself, WITHOUT apology, particularly since many others are seeking reasons not to accept the validity of your presence, wisdom and majesty; preferring instead to have reasons to set themselves above you. Judgement is much more satisfying than integrity and exposure. Boldness often causes the timid to buckle, though this is alright too, , because it is only a matter of time before life offers opportunity to progress, all of it, is a process.
To loving your nuances and learning your grey! Be Yourself!
