Word, Son?

This morning I sit at the keyboard, recommitted to accomplishing only a few things; one of them being this blog and a few other projects I just let kind of fritter away into... 

Yesterday, I sat in my office, listening to Erykah Badu's "Next Lifetime", thinking about the latest thing to come along and take my mind off of the everpassing days that move without me writing to a larger group than myself, that move with me wondering if I will fuflfill the prophecies of people who say I have simply and foolishly wasted my life.  In the wasting, I looked at the sister and wondered, "Do some people just have good luck, destined for goodness?"  While watching, I had to chuckle a little because I know Erykah doesn't necessarily have it that easy. What caught me moreso was her ability to be herself in spite of what everyone or anyone else's opinion about how she lives her life." She defines herself. This I admired, and missed, remembering a time when I too would wield that power which is indeed sacrosanct.  In this introverted retreat turned exile, I have somewhat allowed my soul to rot, in the wasting, I have wrung my hands and said, "I don't know how to do this."  I do realize that THAT is precisely the fear of all great beings who have been told there is a task for them to accomplish.  Revelation is Relative to Growth. Manifestation is Relative to Grace and Self-Effort.  During my malaise or reverie, I began to share some concerns with a co-worker. Upon disclosure of a certain set of peculiarities she said, "That isn't you. Don't own that!" I looked at her, stunned, her manner wasn't one to be quite so directive. She looked at me and said, "That's what you would say to me, you would say,"Why accept that? It's such an ugly thing." I was speechless. Her words touched me on a deep heart-gut level.  She was right.

I would never allow anyone to hold on to such ugly words about themselves. My next question was, "So why would I hold something so ugly about myself, and then allow myself to believe it?" Incredible.  This made me realize and accept on some levels there was a fundamental belief that had not been changed.  It didn't matter that I had gone to umpteen spiritual workshops, been initiated into x amount of systems or even proven more often than I can remember that I was not only capable, but in many ways superior to more than my own expectations. If I am a Woman who believes in the Righteousness of the Creator and the infinite perfection of Her Creation, why would I have so little faith in my ability to carry out the mandates He/She has Destined for me? This wonder was later confirmed by a visit to my Godfather. I adore him and I adore my Godmother. They are incredible examples of Faith, Devotion to a higher purpose and "Doing What You Love", no matter the cost.  Both of these people have overcome tremendous trials and testaments of faith. I sit at their feet, learning, growing, getting angry and overcoming my own fears and self-imposed limitations. Spirit is Amazing, Doubt & Fear are Crippling. In trying to re-calibrate my understanding, and swag (yes, I unashamedly speak 'hood,)  I realized the awesome power of the mind, and the power of perception.  I also realized that the best way to overcome Fear & Panic are to develop Right Understanding. My struggle with Spirituality, Religion and Dogma have all revolved around interpretation and obedience.  

Often, I have received readings that made me question who I am.  In the explanation of these readings, I was not given an accurate accounting of who I had been or why I had made certain decisions and how I needed to reform or what I needed to continue. Perhaps it had to do with people not wanting to hurt my feelings, by seeing my innate sensitivity and fear of judgment or maybe it was just about getting money until the tree dried up. Whatever it was, I was much too willing to give my power over without processing the information through my own sensibility. As I have grown, and as I have become able to become less afraid of the voices that wake me and the pictures that flood my mind, I have learned to ask questions rather than get angry and stomp away, locking myself into my mind and life. This, I realized was a pattern I repeated often and as a result, I had allowed opportunities to learn, to love, to make money disappear.  "I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten" comes to mind as I think of the slight detour I took. This is not a "pie in the sky", "hope springs eternal" declaration, but a re-commitment to my destiny being made better through the power of deliberate decision making and discernment.  My lesson of the day: don't be gullible, you can't believe everything you hear. Trust your Feelings, even when they don't seem to make sense.  Learn to differentiate between paranoia and the slight discomfort that guides you from Spirit.