How Can They

I speak to many men. Brothers, cousins, ex-lovers, some I dare call... friends and I wonder, "How is it that they are able to leave the children they create with women?" Often, these men create new lives for themselves or maintain their life but create new families. I know one man (I use the term loosely) who has 12 children. From the little time I spent with him, 3 months of conversation and 6 weeks of interaction, I didn't see where he did much to provide for them, didn't see him even taking care of himself. This last, bewildered me. I realized that in the eyes and I guess hearts of some men, women and children, do not mean much. The end result is the obtaining of their own end agendas. When I met this man, I was told his youngest child was 9 or ten months old. Upon further interaction the fact that there was an even younger child, 5 or 6 months old, was revealed. I was amazed and I was appalled. How could he leave this woman who he liked enough to have sex with-unprotected sex at that- with a child so small and not keep track of her or the child? Judgmental? I accept that. But more than anything, I realized, if he could do this to women who he had children with, and young, very young children, I did not stand a chance. I was little more than a spoke in his wheel of intention.

Damn! That hurt. Not because I feel that I am special, I've met far too many people to maintain that delusion, but because I had moved against knowledge and relied on possibility and hope. Perhaps I had finally met someone who was not perfect, but was trying to become better than who he was. That was realistic and certainly doable. I too, was working on taking my thoughts and transforming them into matter. I was inspired by this man and certainly, I believed in a lot of the things he spoke of. Well known in cultural circles and charismatic, I thought he was thorough in his follow-through. Perhaps he was, just not in his personal life. How was it that this person who believed in family, blackness, love and the power of the masses to effect positive change be unable to focus on creating stability, in his OWN world? I didn't get it. I watched, to get to the root of it, and in getting I realized, he was quite selfish, and had no real plan, just a lot of bark.

In that, I also realized that my sacrifice, the time, energy, my offering of love, my space, my flesh, had all been for naught. It didn't matter. The proof of this came when I had cooked a meal, that I solely purchased (as my bank account was dwindling), prepared and presented to my family. After eating, the plates found their way to the kitchen, all except his. He sat upon the floor playing on his laptop and said, "Um, could you come git this?" referring to the plate. In that moment I said, "Oh hell no! He has got to get the eff out of here! This is where the road ends." I thought and wondered, "Wow! How can he think that I am going to be alright with that? Does my behavior indicate that I am willing to be misused and abused? Hmm. Oh well, if it does, let me correct your perception.

My behavior does not connote what I am thinking, or feeling, and it certainly doesn't denote how I will make decisions. You are persona non-grata." If he could leave his children and not show concern for his choices best addressed by, "I ain't perfek." I don't think women are looking for perfection, we are looking for accountability, and reliability. If we, the women, the mothers, did that, we would be flayed before the cross. I know this to be true because I know women who have left their children only to be judged by not only those watching but by my own private thoughts, even though, I UNDERSTOOD WHY and have often secretly longed to do so, lacking only the courage, knowing that I would miss my children too terribly. And so, the question remains, and I would love for men to answer, you can comment anonymously, How Can They?