white flags and hot potatoes

It isn't easy being an advocate of love. Particularly not when the definition is wide, varied and ambiguous. What may be a high demonstration of love on one level, can simply be seen as a mean act on another. It is all about perspective. And you what they say about perspectives...it sounds kinda like the one about opinions...anyway, the point I am making is there are two things that people have to deal with, regardless of perspective. Those things are, white flags and hot potatoes.

White Flags

We know white flags are the symbols of surrender. Surrender meaning, "I'm tired of fighting. I cannot take the whipping that is being put on me. I concede, you...win," or "YOU win" or "you WIN!" However it is said, wherever the syllable is stressed, the point is the same, "I give up." 2008 taught me a lot about white flags. What I'm learning about letting someone else win is to simply ask two questions. One question is, "How does this benefit my life?", the other is, "As a result of this, is my life easier, or happier?" Simple enough, right? Ahh, but as in all good dramas, there be a point of reference. In this case the non-sequitur here is...in the long run. Do we often make decisions in terms of their long-term consequences, whether they be positive or negative? I don't think so. Most of the time, we make decisions based on the moment, or short-term pleasures, or gains. This can be fine if indeed that is where one's bliss lies. For me, that plan doesn't work. I found myself hysterically waving a white flag in the one area that has and continues to elude me...love relationships.

Sure. We've heard the stories, the heartbreaks, the triumphs and tragedies. We have even heard the advice of the wise ones, "Beloved, if you want love, you must first become love." I hear that. I have even taken a sentence from Iyanla Van Zant and her definition of compassion, a most necessary component of love, "Compassion means healing others without making yourself sick." That, I loved. You love it too, right? Most often, we think if you are to be loving, that means you become a doormat for the World. No. It doesn't mean that. It means that you look beyond yourself and your possibly petty desires and motives, and you move in the interest of the Greater Good, or the Best Possible Outcome. For me, Love is an interesting mix of personality, objectives, responsibility and united opportunity. One thing for me that makes my lovequests incredibly interesting is my inability to be anyone but myself, AND my inability to sell myself dreams for long. This last I acquired from the women who shaped me. Often, as a new mother and an older girl, I said, "Everyone else has loving parents who support and adore them. Me? I only have 3 Mean Ladies. These Mean Ladies always gave me the harshest admonishments and criticisms:

Mean Lady 1: Daughter, don't be a fool all your life.
Mean Lady 2: I ain't young lak you is, but mens got suga on dey tongue.
Mean Lady 3: Phooey!

And there you had it. The "Straight no Chaser" approach to love and life situations, kept me wrapt and often bereft because I so thoroughly believed in LoveStories and Happily Ever Afters. I thought they just were cynical, and certainly skeptics because their own lives hadn't panned out. I made the mistake most "young" people make. Thinking that older folk were trying to hate on my parade. I didn't know they were giving me the keys to the treasure chest, opening it and saying, "Take what you want out of it. Just know that you always leave more IN than you take out. If you choose to share, that is fine, but if it doesn't come back, you won't be bankrupt." Fortunately, I had the Old-Southern-Black People-Who-Want-Something kind of work ethic, mixed with the, "Oh yeah? You think I can't make it happen? Watch," mentality. This created rainbows after rainfalls, and made it so that I was able to accomplish a whole helluva lot. Love? I know how to do it, I know its rewards, I know its sacrifices and lamentations. Immature Love? That taught me something else...how to play Hot Potato and WIN.

Hot Potato

You know it. The game often played at birthday parties. An object was passed around (when I was a very little girl, mothers actually heated up a potato-yeah, in a pot, on the stove), music was played and its passed around until the music stops. If the music stopped and you were the person holding the object, you had to get OUT. Once you got out, the game continued until there were only two people left. The person left standing, sometimes sitting, won. This, being the last person was not an easy thing to accomplish. But you stood a better chance if you had two things:
1. the ability to hear changes in the music, and 2. good hand-eye coordination. Love Going Bad, in my experience, is not that different.

I see him. He sees me. He finds me attractive (of course,) and I am not quite repulsed by him. We talk, we visit-date, whichever works at the time and decide to have a relationship. Time is moving, persons are revealed, and then...the game begins.
Version One
"Hey. I called you yesterday. Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"When? I must not have heard it."
Pause.
"Oh, he thinks I'm lying," I think to myself. Why is that the first thought? Does he know that most of the time, I don't even know where the phone is? I'm still trying to figure out how to connect conference calls on this thing.
"Ai-ight. Lemme call you back."
"Alright. I'll speak to you later, Baby." We hang up and I say to myself, "Ok, we'll see how this plays out." Now, from here two things are generally what happen. He takes it on the chin and we keep it moving, or he gets incredibly annoyed that I'm not sweating him and he falls back.

Version Two
"Hey. I called you yesterday. Why didn't you answer your phone?"
"I don't really like talking on the phone."
"Oh. I can understand that. It breaks up the rhythm of your day, right? I can dig it.
What did we all do before the advent of cell phones." >chuckle<
"Yeah. Umm, lemme call you back."
"Alright Baby, later." We hang up and I say to myself, "Ok, this is getting suspicious. He hasn't been not taking my calls. I've been here before." Now, from here two things generally happen. We develop a more casual relationship or I stop calling to see if he falls back.

Please note: In either of these versions, the communication never ceases entirely. When communication resumes however, the toss-off is intense.

Usually, I am the initiator of an end to the game. Most often because I know myself and in the words of Bruce Banner, "Please don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry." The other one? Oh, she IS a doozy. I rarely unleash her and am commited to using the highest aspects of my personality. In an effort to promote this, "higher self" I end the game before any real damage is done, especially when it becomes apparent that it has indeed become a game.

Now, as we wrap up 2008 and prepare for 2009, I give thanks for the following:

1. I officially established my company.
2. I devoted an entire year to being a stay-at-home mom to my children, cooking EVERY night, just about, and teaching them about the power of their personalities and spirits.
3. I have a very DEFINITE knowledge of who I love and loves me BACK.
4. I got my Driver's License and, the cherry on top of my 2008 sundae,

5. I reconiled with my Daddy after 8 very long years.

I don't know if this will be my last post for 2008 but I do not the unpredicatability of life and am taking every moment preciously as it arrives. Blessings!