Bad Habits Die Hard

SxLvTlk's theme this year is, Broken Men and Slave Women. The calendar has been created and I have found monthly themes to explore. It is strange. When SxLvTlk was a bit more free flowing, it seemed as though I had the ability to kind of freestyle and keep my conversations and comments incredibly vague. Now, because the work is more targeted, I am always compelled to be the embodiment of what I profess. This is invigorating, but it is also challenging. I have put myself under a microscope. I have been under one anyway, however, this acknowledgement of its existence lends itself to another dimension of self-discovery and exposure.

Our first session was, "There are No Absolutes: Know Your Grey". This session served as an introduction to SxLvTlk for those who were unfamiliar about the formation of this forum, and for those who were perhaps unfamiliar with our philosophy. I have literally spent the last year creating some stability for myself in the area of Like, Relationship and Sensual Fulfillment. It was not easy, but I have come up with the proper mix of Blacks (which Propel), Whites (which Protect) and created the array of Greys which Please, me.

During the last year, my heart and mind have run the gamut of emotion and reorganization. Since starting SxLvTlk, I have taken a somewhat objective, technical approach to the Art of Connection. I had a very matter-of-fact approach that did not take a lot of things into account or consideration. Spirit-Flesh connections were very easy for me to establish and bring to light, however, I had never considered the role nuance plays in all of this. Nuance, the flair, the small distinctions that shape the peculiarities that make us different from one another are the game changers. Take two men- both tall, both fit, both handsome, what tips the scales? For the person who must choose one of these men, it could be something small like a twinkle in an eye or the way a nose crinkles, or the way certain vowels are pronounced. These details are often not even taken into account by their owners, however, these are the things that provide fuel for exploration and consideration much more so than sensibility. Yes, it took me the entire year to define for myself, what I did and did not want, what I responded to, and what complimented and enhanced the Gift that I am on this earth. It has not been easy in the slightest and has been cause for many fitful sleeps, but I am a much more competent host and discussion facilitator.

I have learned that I am not as free thinking and open when it comes to my own life as I am when others are explaining their concepts, wishes and desires. For me, simple is pretty complex. I am motivated much more by my own hopes, dreams and desires than I am the opinions of others. The man that chooses to be with me will indeed have to be very secure about who he is to me due to the fact I am always in the company of men who find me attractive and wonder if they will be able to experience some of the "non-judgement" I put forth as a non-negotiable for SxLvTlk. I am much more private than I thought I was, and I am much more focused on developing long term sustainable connection and partnership than I am satisfying any fantastical wiles. I've also learned that love takes many forms and that there is more than just one way to express love, regardless of what society-at-large says. The truth is as a whole, most of us are capable of doing more than one thing at a time, however, most of us lack the fortitude to be committed to those choices, and are simply too lazy to share this truth with those whom we feel would disapprove and or not understand. The truth for me, is I am successfully single and seeking to become More...however that decides to reveal itself as long as it, concurs with my shade of Grey. Welcome to Spring! Grow.