dreams of love-- the contract

I can't help it. I'm obsessed. Kind of like Veronica in the movie, Dangerous Beauty (if you can find it, watch it!) As she was being questioned by the Inquisition she said she found herself plagued by, "the dream of love". The dream of love, what is it really? Is it that thing that we talk about, the meeting of the certain One with whom we shall share the most intimate bonds of our soul's existence? Or is it really just that moment people hope to reach when they are intertwined in a sweaty embrace, making all of that "other stuff" nonsense? I don't know, but I have always known that there is a certain something that makes us feel as though, "Yes, this is worth the effort."

I went to visit my brand spanking new niece yesterday! I call her Trevlyn (my brother is named Trevor, like Wonder Woman's love, Steve Trevor). She is the cutest! I looked at her and my sister in law(who is deliriously happy-husband, house, kids) and thought, "Wow! Maybe I should stop fighting the inside of myself and just settle down. I know really good men who want to marry me, really, really badly."


But then, I thought of my life, my dreams and desires and had to be really, really honest...I'm simply not in that place.A very large part of me is like Karaba from the movie, Kirikou and the Sorceress (get it and watch it) who said, "I will not be any man's servant"after he asks her to be his wife. Perhaps it is because I became a mom, a for real mom at a young age, and because I have attempted to move in the direction of The Real Things Adults Do and found it to be beautiful, but not as fulfilling as I needed to not regret sacrificing my blood for it. Too many women do I hear from who say things like, "I didn't know that it was going to be like this," or "God! How are we supposed to make all of this stuff happen with no help?!" Times are different, but role expectations are not. I don't know if that is good or not, I just know that that is how it is. Men, are not expected to cook, clean, maintain a home, raise children, and still go out and work for 8-12 hours a day. Women are. This is true. I have spoken to many men who are married to and involved with women who absolutely hold their own in the areas of work, bringing money into the home and being the trophy many men seem to want and the men's most common complaint is, "She ain't even have no meal ready and waiting for her man!" This is said with incredible amounts of passion, too! I always wonder, "What kind of agreement and understanding did this couple create before they began this venture?" Quite often, I think, there is no agreement. THAT, I think is often to the couple's detriment.

Me? I don't want a man out there, "slaving" for me, but I do want a person to be honest...at the onset. Clear in their intent, confident enough to present the reality of themselves, secure enough to know that an argument is not always a bad thing, and open enough to have fun-good, clean fun on the journey to Whoknowswhere. I know my main errors. They have been moving too quickly, and ignoring the tiny voice that says, "Nope. Watch that. He is NOT ready for what he claims to want." That part, is always where I say I have, "dared the devil". Not one to run, my princess has often been known to say, "NO! I know he doesn't have a job, he doesn't have an apartment of his own, and he doesn't really have a good grasp on who he is as a person but, he has a good intention and I see a lot of potential, so...I'm going to give him a chance!" You have to play to your strengths and overcome the areas that are challenging. I know my challenges.

If a man is a good speaker-yeah, he talks a good one, I am all ears. I love to communicate, I love to talk, I love to learn. That, piques my interest. If he claims to love the Creator? Forget it. You can knock me over with a feather, The Creator of All Things has always been my number one object of affection and devotion. Tell me you are striving to have a closer relationship with: God, Iehovah, Yahweh, Jesus, Buddha, Shiva, the Am that I Am, Allah, et al and we can commune, fellowship, build for eons. And the most detrimental piece of my quagmire...S-W-A-G! OOOHHH, how I love a man with a presence. Money, and toys are nice, but I have been known to give sanctuary to men who had incredible amounts of charm and charisma due to their sheer magnetism. Now that I know that, I take responsibility for my choices and I keep myself under careful guard because I have a tendency to acknowledge all of these things about them, however, I forget who it is that these Fine Sirs are approaching. I am nothing to sneeze at. Not by a long shot (I'm feeling sort of retro right now), that, however is another post.

My point is, Trevlyn is the perfect representation of the Dream Fulfilled. Her auntie is working to define the terms and conditions of sliding down the rainbow and into her Own Pot of Gold! To Trevlyn!